I hit a bit of a wall this morning and admitted that I’m more depressed by the stay-at-home/quarantine situation than I realized. I’ve been trying to be positive in my posting for the most part, but this morning, I cried. I'm feeling not at all convinced we as a society are handling this situation exactly right, and I find it difficult to know what to believe from the bits of news media I allow myself to read (and I try to listen to different providers and find balance in the stories), not to mention all the click bait that gets posted on Facebook, but that is all I'm going to say about that, and I'm not willing to argue or discuss with anyone about it, either. I do know my post about the monsters is more and more accurate every day. Seeing neighbors tattling on neighbors for interacting with others safely but not being quite as anxious as they think we should be is depressing. It is distressing how nervous I am about how some of these neighbors are going to act whenever we finally get the official notice that we are allowed to be social again and some of us try to return to some semblance of normal out there.
One thing I'm a little concerned about is my own tendency to be a hermit. What I mean is that I actually prefer being home and reading my books and I often have to force myself out of my turtling ways to be social, even though I am always so incredibly glad I did. This social isolation thing we're having to do right now is not a good thing for me, emotionally. I find myself falling back into thinking too internally and not outwardly enough again. We were just starting to feel like we were getting to know people after the loneliness of moving to a new place and now we're all sheltering in place at home, isolated. And with my natural tendency toward inertia, I really hope once we are released to go back to being able to socialize again, that I don't find it even harder to push out of my hermitage than usual just by the inertia of having been out of the habit of getting out for so long. I miss people so much more than I thought possible, though. I think once we're allowed to be with people again, it won't be so hard after all. I'm so looking forward to being able to get to gather with the church and choir practice again. May I never again complain about how hard it is to push past my introversion to go out.
One thing I'm a little concerned about is my own tendency to be a hermit. What I mean is that I actually prefer being home and reading my books and I often have to force myself out of my turtling ways to be social, even though I am always so incredibly glad I did. This social isolation thing we're having to do right now is not a good thing for me, emotionally. I find myself falling back into thinking too internally and not outwardly enough again. We were just starting to feel like we were getting to know people after the loneliness of moving to a new place and now we're all sheltering in place at home, isolated. And with my natural tendency toward inertia, I really hope once we are released to go back to being able to socialize again, that I don't find it even harder to push out of my hermitage than usual just by the inertia of having been out of the habit of getting out for so long. I miss people so much more than I thought possible, though. I think once we're allowed to be with people again, it won't be so hard after all. I'm so looking forward to being able to get to gather with the church and choir practice again. May I never again complain about how hard it is to push past my introversion to go out.
I saw a story today about a Texas band director who made a way to visit, safely, his senior students one last time and it made me cry. I think about the seniors who had to forfeit the best part of senior year, some without the closure of knowing they were saying good-bye to their friends for the last time. We got an email last week from my daughter’s band director letting us know, officially, what we already knew, unofficially, that all scheduled band events for the rest of the year are cancelled. No spring concert, no solo and ensemble festival, no trip to King’s Dominion, no getting to say good-bye to friends, and summer band camp is a big fat “we just don’t know for now.” I know, first world problems, but it is worth mourning, even so.
Our church did a beautiful job with our online Easter service - to include a virtual performance by the orchestra - all in little screenshots playing their instruments individually from their homes and recorded videos of the choir and orchestra from past Easter services which all brought me to tears thinking, “The darkness can NOT overcome the light. Jesus is alive!” And our pastor’s message about Yahweh is the Good Shepherd was extremely encouraging. How thankful I am that we at least get to have that ability for our pastors and elders to feed the flock, though in no way is it the same as being together. I miss my church family.
I think I hit the wall today, though, because after all that I just shared, it just hit me so hard that due to our move last summer and living so far away and life being what it has been, I have not been able to see my parents in almost two years. Last week we were supposed to go to Florida to visit them and I had been so looking forward to that, but then all this awfulness happened and we had to cancel our trip. We do have it tentatively rescheduled for late summer, but there are no guarantees we will be free to go even then. Y’all. Two years is too long. I miss them. Talking on the phone is great, but being with them is better. So, forgive my raw honesty and my tears.
BUT, choosing not to dwell in depression, and choosing to fight for joy, I pulled out my Bible and looked to the Psalms for solace. God allowed me to land on Psalm 40. What a balm for my soul. As I read it, I felt the depression melting a little and a calm peace settle in my heart. I’ll quote it at the end and sign off for today. It doesn’t ultimately matter whether we are overreacting or not. That is not my call or responsibility to decide. It doesn’t matter what’s fueling the anxiety we sense all around us. No matter what circumstances are raging, no matter what depression fights for my heart and emotions, no matter how convinced I am or not by the restrictions we are living under, no matter what, nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. This is truth. I do not have to spiral into the anxiety of everyone around me. Jesus is Lord. Here I stake my life. Jesus is Lord, and He is the Good Shepherd and He loves His sheep. And praise HIs name, I am one of those sheep. Thank You, Jesus.
Psalm 40
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
4
Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
5
You have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told.
6
In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,
but you have given me an open ear.
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.
7
Then I said, “Behold, I have come;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me:
8
I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9
I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.
10
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.
11
As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
12
For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.
13
Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14
Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
15
Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, “Aha, Aha!”
16
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, “Great is the Lord!”
17
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!
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