See Ya Real Soon.....

I'm taking a blog break. We're heading to Disney World, and I probably won't get around to much blogging while we take time to visit my parents and then spend time enjoying all things Mickey Mouse with the kids next week. I hope everyone has a nice week, and I'll probably have pictures to share when we get back and recuperate from so much fun. We're really excited about this trip!

Happy Blogging

What do you know? As of today my blog is two years old. That’s hard to believe. Two years of me babbling away on my blog with, hopefully, a few interesting posts scattered amid the rest to show for all the typing.

I’m enjoying my blogging experiment. I have ‘met’ lots of interesting bloggers along the way, and I think it is really cool that blogging has introduced me to a lot of neat people I would not have met this side of Heaven any other way. Very cool. Who would have thought two years ago when I started out with a totally different blog name, by the way, that I’d still be typing away and have met so many interesting people along the way. Thanks to those of you who have commented and e-mailed over the past two years. I’m really glad to have connected with you through our blogs. There are a lot of people out there writing such great and thoughtful posts, sometimes I wonder what in the world I’m thinking by blabbering away in my little corner of cyberspace, but I have enjoyed the outlet, and thanks to those of you who are interested enough to stop by once in while – known and unknown. I guess I’ll go on enjoying my little blogging adventure for a while longer, though I have to admit I have been in a bit of a posting slump lately. Maybe I’ll even get back to more thoughtful posting eventually. Maybe once life settles out a little bit, I hope to, anyway.

Randomly Boring Me

Jules at Everyday Mommy has tagged me with a meme. I’m supposed to share 6 random things about myself. I hope I can come up with six things that won’t just bore the socks off of you, but here’s my attempt to complete the meme.

1. I find coloring in Boo’s coloring books to be a very soothing activity when I’m feeling stressed or in need of a mindless occupation when I can’t settle my brain enough to read. I colored a nice scene of Elmo’s birthday party while watching the last presidential debate.

2. I don't watch a whole lot of TV anymore. There are just a handful of shows I still follow, and with all the available channels, there just isn't much I can stand to watch these days. And I don’t turn the news on much anymore, either. For one thing, I'm really tired of politics at the moment, and besides, with 24/7 news channels, just how many different ways can you spin the same few news stories, anyway? I’m pretty much “news”-ed out.

3. I crave diet cherry Cokes from Sonic all the time. Drew knows what to get when he feels like a Sonic run on the way home from work. I also like their unsweet peach tea. Sonic happy hour half price soda drinks from 2-4 is a winner with me and the boys.

4. I can’t wait for LOST to come back. That's one of those handful of shows I mentioned, and I am pretty much hooked on it. I clicked on the ABC website the other day and piddled around just to fill my craving for a LOST fix. Does anyone else think these really long hiatuses are too long? How much longer will we have to drag out the suspense? Will the ending be satisfying, or have I wasted all these years following the Losties? Drew and I were laughing that we will be getting off our island before they resolve the mysteries surrounding theirs. I’m not good at waiting. As Inigo says in The Princess Bride, “I hate wait.” Me too.

5. Speaking of The Princess Bride, that’s one of my all time favorite movies. I had a friend in college who would go back and forth with me quoting lines from it when those lines would apply to various situations around campus. It was funny. Drew and I find ourselves spouting out Princess Bride quotes a lot, too. Especially the clergyman from the wedding scene. That has got to be one of the funniest movie scenes ever. “Mawidge. Mawidge is wot bwings us togevah today.…..”

6. I love Autumn. It is my favorite season, and, growing up in Florida where we didn’t really have much differentiation in seasons, I am looking forward to moving a little further north where we will have a true Fall, with colored leaves and that crisp feeling in the air and pumpkins and all that goes with Fall. Except for Halloween, I'm not such a big fan of that, though in years past we have let the kids dress up and trick-or-treat. I'm just as glad we'll be at Disney World this year (oh, yes, we're going to Disney!! The kids are beside themselves in anticipation). I'm so not good at the whole finding a costume thing.

7. Okay, we were supposed to only list 6 random things, but my brain is randomly firing now and I have one more, but it’s about the boys, not about me so much. Both of the boys have been reading our old Calvin and Hobbes books, and they can’t wait to live in a place where we’ll have leaves to crunch and snow for building snow men, just like Calvin. M is already planning how he wants to build his snow men. I’m a little worried that he’s adopted Calvin as a role model in this endeavor….

Well, I hope my lame attempt to play along hasn’t bored you to tears. Sorry, I’m just not all that interesting.

Have a nice Friday, and feel free to consider yourself tagged!

Just One More Reason Why I Love My Husband

If you all can stand one more sort of dog-related post, I think I’ll be finished after this. Probably.

Anyway, I really love my husband. He is a kind and gentle-hearted man, a good husband, and good dad. He also has a servant’s heart and takes wonderful care of our family, and I am honored and grateful to be his wife. This is one reason the upcoming move is such a good move, because it is allowing him to be home more than he has been able to be home in the past five years, and we are looking forward to it, let me tell you.

I am truly glad that he was able to be home yesterday. I am so grateful for what he did, and I hate it for him that he had to, but he handled the whole Oliver situation so well, and he helped our boys, too. Oliver had been our dog since before the kids were born, and I know it was really hard for Drew to have to go and fish him out of the lake and see him like that. But he did it, and he buried him quickly before the boys even knew that he was in the yard at all.

Then when he talked with the boys, he managed to comfort them without lying to them by giving them bad theology about animals. He was careful to tell them that animals do not have souls and that we weren’t praying about where Oliver was or anything now that he was buried. But that God does care for His creation, and animals are a good part of that creation and that it is good that we can have pets and love them and take care of them and that God cares that we were sad, too, but that animals were not created in God's image like people are. And then he prayed and wept and thanked God for the 12 years we had with Oliver and thanked Him for letting us know and know that he had not suffered, but that it was quick. I am glad for a man who is a strong enough man that he can show his boys it is okay to cry when his heart is hurting and to hug them when they cry, too. Because of the beautiful way Drew handled the boys’ grief and good-bye to our little dog yesterday, we got to talk a little today about how when Adam sinned, the whole creation came under a curse, and death is the result of sin. Then we talked about how Jesus died and rose again so that we could be made clean from our sin. We talked about how the pain we feel over the death of our animal is a reminder of just how awful sin is.

And Drew took time to talk to each of the boys individually last night, too. After M’s football practice, he took M around with him to take down the signs and when M asked if he could have one to keep, he gave him one.

Today Drew flew to St. Louis to meet his new boss and find us a place to live and get some information about a church we are planning to visit and go by the school where the boys will attend.

I love my husband. I respect him for the way he is able to put aside his feelings and do what has to be done, even when it is hard. And I am blessed by his tender heart toward me and how we cried together when he told me the news he knew I would have a hard time hearing and he was having a hard time sharing. This recent trial is just one example of the way he demonstrates his love for me and for his family all the time.

Good-Bye, Little Buddy

With much sadness, we found Oliver today. A Terminix man was doing his rounds in the neighborhood and came up to the door this afternoon and asked if we were the family looking for a dog. He had seen our sign and he told me that he had seen a dog floating in the duck pond around the corner and wanted to let us know because it might be our dog. It was really nice of him to go out of his way like that.

I called Drew and told him, and he asked if I wanted to come early to pick him up from work since he had sold his car today and the title transfer from the car he is buying hasn’t been finished yet. On the way there, I drove by the pond and stopped, and the size and color were right, but the dog was way out in the middle of the pond, so I couldn’t be sure. Drew borrowed a friend’s kayak and went out to get the body, and I tried not to let the kids know what was up when they came home from the bus stop.

It was Oliver. Drew said it looks like he was hit by a car because his neck was broken. That means either someone hit him and dumped him in the pond or the birds dragged him there. Either way, we’re pretty sure it probably happened on Thursday. At least we know he didn’t suffer – it really bothered me when I thought he might have fallen into the pond alive and struggled. I am thankful that God, in His great mercy, chose to answer my petition that we would at least know what happened to our little buddy.

Telling the boys was very hard. Drew buried Oliver first, because he said it was pretty awful to look at his remains, then we told them to come in the back yard with us. He showed them Oliver’s collar and we told them that a nice man had told us where he had seen Oliver this afternoon. They are very sad, but are already talking about when can we get another dog. I’m not ready for that yet. Maybe after we move.

I'm trying very hard not to be angry with my neighbor who told me, "Oh, I seen that dog on Thursday. He came up on my porch and came up to me when I was getting in my car. I didn't know he was your dog." (Unnecessary aside, I hate when people say, "I seen...", but that's beside the point.) But she didn't bother to look at his tags when he came right up to her. And they have two dogs of their own, so it's not like they aren't dog people, but she didn't bother. I wish she had just not told me....

So, I’m crying as I type this, but it is good that we know and can say good-bye and move without that awful wondering. Poor Oliver.

Oliver

July 1996-October 2008

I Didn't Know Adrian Monk Moonlighted as a Realtor

They say you should never say “never,” but one thing I never, ever want to do for a living is work in real estate. Or any kind of high pressure sales, for that matter. I hate the games they all play and I hate the process of selling a house. These “Where I Am Right Now” posts are becoming all too common for me recently, but here’s another one, because, well, because my blog is an easy place to vent and I’ve about driven my husband crazy with this and still need an outlet, so aren’t you lucky to have stumbled across the boredom that is my blog these days?

So, anyway, we had a realtor’s open house yesterday. In preparation, I scrubbed the bathrooms, dusted, vacuumed, straightened up everything and generally got the house as clean as possible when there are still five people living here (and sadly no longer a little dog – we’re still crying and hope has dwindled, by the way – more on that later, maybe). I took Boo and we went to the school and I made Mrs. G’s copies like I do every Monday (fun times with an antsy two-year-old along for the ride since Gram was sick and couldn’t watch her), then to Chick-fil-A for lunch, Blockbuster to return a movie, and a 45-minute drive to Target for some time consuming shopping. I bought Boo a Disney princesses sleeping bag. Very cute. Hopefully we will be able to teach her how to sleep in it before our trip to Florida in a couple of weeks. But I digress.

When I got back that afternoon, our realtor had left us some of the delicious gumbo he had served for the lunch time open house and it was yummy. Also, there were some anonymous feedback forms. Most of the comments were constructive, most we knew, but one has me flummoxed. Now I will demonstrate just what I mean when I say that my oldest son’s tendency to obsess comes naturally to him by way of his mother. On one form, the only comment made was this: “Needs cleaning (bathroom).” Friends, that one has me all in a dither. Ask my husband, who is having to live with me. I scrubbed those bathrooms that morning, and there was not one spot anywhere to be seen. I even Windexed the faucets so they were waterspot-free and shining. Those are clean bathrooms. They are cleaner than the professional maid service left them. You may recall an earlier post when I mentioned I had been less than thrilled and had to go back and clean things to my satisfaction. So, I have to tell you, I am dying to ask our realtor who the obsessive compulsive is who came into our home and, of all the legitimate things that could have been commented on, chose that one. I’m wondering if they were thinking of a different house. Seriously. That was my thought.

I did not know that Adrian Monk had left San Francisco and was now working as a realtor in our neck of the woods. Interesting. Drew tells me I need to let this go. He’s right. But, though our house is not perfect, and we know that, the bathrooms are very clean. I know this because I have been busting my tail every morning to make sure they remain so.

I’m done now. Thanks for listening.

Memory Work

Our AWANA leadership has been issued a challenge to memorize some suggested scripture passages. When we were in the car after AWANA last week, J asked me if I had to memorize the verses to be an adult helper. I told him, no, there’s no have to about it, but that I am really excited about it. It’s just a way to encourage us as leaders to hide God’s word in our hearts the same way we’re encouraging the children to do. Actually I’m really glad to have that challenge because I find it very encouraging to memorize scripture and it’s easier to do so if I have a goal.

So, the first two passages were Psalm 1 and Psalm 23, which I had memorized earlier in the year on my own, so I brushed up on them this week and have now moved on to Isaiah 53. I have gotten through the first six verses so far, and let me tell you, there is something extremely special about memorizing scripture that I can’t really explain. I’ve read Isaiah 53 many times before, but taking the time to really think about it as I work to memorize it has been very meaningful because my love and awe for Jesus and what He has done for us is growing. Memorizing a passage forces you to really think about what the words mean, and to think more deeply about the meaning than you tend to do when you are just reading it through. I am really enjoying working to hide this chapter in my heart.

So, my answer to my son is that I see it as a blessing to be encouraged to memorize passages of scripture, and I hope he will begin to also. If you haven’t ever tried to memorize passages of the Bible before, I would love to encourage you to join me in thinking through and memorizing Isaiah 53 and pondering the great love and grace our Savior has shown to us in that while we were still sinners He died to reconcile us to God and to save us from our sin. I am telling you the truth that my love for Jesus grows the more I think about what He has done for us, and as my gratitude grows, I pray my day to day actions will reflect it.

Sad Today

It is very cloudy and dreary out today. It matches my mood. Last night our dog got out and we have not been able to find him. I’m feeling rotten because I let him out when I got home from lunch and then forgot he was out there. We had a thunderstorm that afternoon, and I didn’t even think about the dog until Drew came home and said, “Where’s Oliver?” I had been making cupcakes and doing some work around the house and had forgotten he was outside. I said, “I don’t know, isn’t he in the yard?”

When Drew went out, he found the gate open. That explains why Oliver did not scratch frantically at the door when the storm came up like he usually would. What I am trying to figure out is how the gate came to be open. It was not open, as far as I know, that morning, because Oliver had not gotten out when I let him out in the morning. So, it did not even occur to me to check it since I certainly had not unlocked it that day.

We spent hours walking the neighborhood and driving around looking for him last night and he is nowhere to be found. The kids are missing their dog, especially Boo, who keeps saying, “See Oliver?” I’m really missing my dog. We’ve had him twelve years, and we know he probably doesn’t have too many more years to live, but I told Drew it would be easier to lose him by having him die of old age than this not knowing. If you aren’t a pet person, you probably don’t understand, but I’m having a hard time with Oliver being ‘out there somewhere’ and not knowing if he’s okay or lying hurt or dead or a victim of a stroke or heart attack somewhere. We had another thunderstorm in the night, and I worried about him out there alone and scared. He’s pretty old, and he doesn’t see, hear or smell very well anymore, so I’m not real hopeful, but we’re putting up flyers that I designed and Drew is printing up at work.

I could be spiritual and draw a parallel with our frantic search for our ‘little buddy’ and the parable of the lost sheep, but it would be a lame parallel. The similarity is that there will be rejoicing if (when?) Oliver comes home again, but it ends there. You see, when the Father seeks and saves, He is not searching blindly as we are. He knows where His sheep are. And He is mighty to save them. He does not lose His sheep as we have lost our dog. And I am so thankful He knows exactly where I am and He will never lose me nor forsake me.

But today I’m feeling a little guilty and kind of silly at how I’m handling the loss of our little dog. I was kind of snippy with the kids last night, not because of anything they were doing, but because I was trying not to cry in front of them. And when I did cry, J asked, “What’s wrong, Mom?” It was all I could do not to fire back, “Where have you been all night, son? You’ve been out with us looking for Oliver, what do you think is wrong?” I didn’t say that to him, though. It would have been unkind and unnecessary, and I don’t want them worrying and upset when they are still hopeful. They don’t need to know that I’m not as hopeful. This little test shows me I have much more growing in sanctification to do. It’s humbling to see how easily I let emotions rule my demeanor.

I took the boys to school this morning since J’s birthday is on Sunday and he wanted to take cupcakes in to share with his class, and I didn’t think it was wise to expect him to manage them on the bus. On the way there and home I was scanning the side of the road, looking for a little gray furry body bouncing along, or worse, lying on the side of the road. I saw nothing but some squirrels having breakfast, until we passed some woods and I happened to see some huge buzzards feasting on something back in the trees. I drove by and then the thought hit me, what if it’s my dog they’re breakfasting on? You will probably think I am crazy, but I drove back and pulled off the road and walked into the woods far enough to satisfy myself that whatever the carcass was, it was way too big to be our Oliver. Probably a deer.

So, today I’m feeling a little sad about a certain joke Drew and I have shared at Oliver’s expense lately. Oliver sleeps a lot these days, and when we walk through the room and see him lying there we say, “Oliver, ya dead?” He usually just pricks an ear and opens one eye and looks at us like he’s thinking, “Oh, very funny. Shut up, people, leave me alone.” Today on this gray day, I’m just hoping he’s still alive and finding his way home again. I keep thinking I hear his tags jingling at the door. I know he's just a dog, and in the grand scheme of things this is minor. But, he's my dog, and he's been part of our family for twelve years, and to us and the kids personally, it's not as minor. Sigh.

Put My Hand Over My Mouth

Do you ever have days when the practice of sanctified speech would be so much more easily accomplished if you just cut your tongue out? Yeah, me, too.

I have a friend who I don’t see all that often, but we get together for lunch a couple of times a month to catch up with each other. I have found that, much as I love this friend, I do so much better when I remember to pray before I meet her that I will guard my tongue. I have this tendency to gossip or say too much that shouldn’t be said when we get going sometimes. Well, I forgot that I have that particular temptation before we went to lunch today, and I forgot to cover our lunch in prayer and prepare myself to guard my tongue, and once again as I reflect over our conversation I realize that I should have stopped up the river of my speech a little sooner. Again.

When I talked to Drew this afternoon I relayed some of my concern and asked if he thought I’d gone too far with some of the opinions I shared, and he didn’t think it was as bad as I thought. I tend to be pretty hard on myself, but, considering that the standard is holiness, I want to guard my tongue well. So, I confess that some of what I voiced over lunch was better left unsaid. Again. Sometimes I just need to be more careful about choosing my audience, too. That’s the case here. What I said wasn’t untrue or bad necessarily, just probably best not discussed with this particular person as I have learned from prior experience because we are both strongly opinionated and when we get going we sometimes go too far, and I should have just shut my mouth when given the opportunity.

Why is it that I can leave the glories of my Bible study group and within minutes be running at the mouth in a way that I should not at lunch? Grrrr.

James 3:5-12
“Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.”

And Another Thing.....

One more quasi-political post and I’m done. Probably done, anyway.

Lest anyone think from my last post that I only think Barak Obama supporters are creepy, I want to say here that I’m just as creeped out by people who want to place some kind of mantle on McCain-Palin, too. It bothers me that we evangelicals for so long in America have tended to place way too much hope in elections. The morning after the last midterm elections, I happened to be in the car and had the radio tuned to the Christian station and a popular nationally known broadcast show was on and the hosts were bemoaning and bewailing the fact that the Republicans had done so poorly. The way they were carrying on, I thought to myself, “Whoa, guys! Is God still on the throne or what? Who are we trusting here, anyway?”

Here’s my little opinion piece on this and then I’ll just go back to my regular blogging, because I really don’t intend to get much into politics on this blog. I'll leave that for people who are more qualified than I at that kind of thing. I think that as Christians we are to be salt and light in the world. We ought to be good citizens, exercise the right to vote, make wise voting choices, run for office if we believe God is calling and equipping us to do so, be the best workers we can be in whatever vocation God has us in, be the best wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, churchmembers, neighbors, whatever roles God calls us to. We ought to do all that we do to the glory of God. We ought to be a seasoning influence on our neighborhoods and culture and help to preserve it from evil. We ought to speak up and make a difference when we can.

Having said all that, however, we must never lose sight of our real calling and our real hope. When Jesus ascended into Heaven, He charged His followers to make disciples, baptizing them in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. This is our business as Christians. He did not tell us to hope in government to solve all of our problems. He did not tell us to get so enmeshed in economic systems and social issues that we neglect our real calling to make disciples of Jesus Christ. He inspired godly men to write that we are to pray for our officials, but no where do I see that we are to so marry ourselves to any political party that we wail and moan and carry on the day after an election or that we see any man (or woman, for that matter) as our great hope.

God will not share His glory with any other. Sure I think this upcoming election is important. Certainly. I absolutely believe we should prayerfully consider how we vote. But, we need to be very careful not to put our hope in any party, any candidate, any ticket and trust in Christ alone. He is sovereign. Whoever is elected this November, God is in control of that. He has His purpose in it, and we will do well to pray for our leaders and pray for mercy for our country.

When will we ever learn to quit worshiping at the altar of political candidates and the political process? To give you my honest, deep down opinion, I'm wondering if maybe we're getting just what we deserve because we've insisted on trusting in politicians and in marrying ourselves to any political party and just emoting all over the place and trusting too much in temporal government.

I hate election years.

I'll be holding my nose and voting this time around.

Creepy....

Have you seen this news story? My problem with this is not for the reasons given in the story, and it is not political, it is spiritual. Fine, they like Obama, vote for him if he's really who you think is the best candidate, stump for him, campaign, whatever. I don't happen to agree, quite strongly disagree, in fact, but we live in a democratic society. Go ahead and vote for whoever you think is the best candidate.

BUT, to chant, "Alpha, Omega," and apply that to a celebration of Obama is BLASPHEMY. And it makes my skin crawl. I have lots more I could say about all that, but I think I'll just leave it there.

To tell you the truth, looking at the choices this election year, I am starting to wonder if perhaps we are a nation under judgment.

Once again, I am so thankful that God is sovereign and that I do not trust in government for my security or hope. And that's all I'm saying about that, I'm done politicking now. Have a nice day.

Cleaning and Waiting

Someone is coming to look at our house today at 2pm. Someone else came on Wednesday. The only feedback we got on that visit was that they loved the bonus room (Thank You, Lord, that the 3 1/2 days spent cleaning it were worth it) but did not like the size of the back yard. We weren't sure what to make of that. Our back yard is pretty big for houses in this area - maybe they want something smaller with less upkeep?

Anyway, I'm glad we've been consistent with keeping the clutter maintained and all I have to do now is mop the kitchen and wipe down the bathrooms and then take the dog and Boo and find somewhere to go for a while this afternoon. I think we'll go to Sonic for a diet cherry Coke. Haven't mentioned those in a while, have I? I hope they'll be gone by the time I have to be back to meet the boys when the bus comes. I may be hovering around the bus stop today.

So far I have not been anxious about the house selling at this not-so-opportune time of the year and volatile economic conditions. Ask me how I'm doing with that closer to December, but today I am praising the Lord for this. I tend to struggle with anxiety over big things. But I know that no matter what the economy is doing or what else is going on around us, God is in control. The house will sell in His time, and for that I pray. And I pray for the grace and wisdom to trust Him through the whole process, whether His timetable looks like mine or not. I've already been tested a little in this, but He is faithful. And He is good all the time.

So, I clean and I wait.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Book Recommendation

I want to give a shout out to my friend Heather, who has a new book that has been published and is now available. Heather and I were roommates in college and have stayed in touch over the years, and having followed her journey through her blog, I can't wait to get my copy of her book, which I just ordered. You can read about it here. Many hugs and praying for you, Heather!

Friday Funny

For those of you who hate e-mail forwards as much as I do (have I mentioned that once or twice around here??), this one was hysterical. A friend forwarded it to me, and, I must say, this particular friend hardly ever forwards stupid things, so she must feel about the same way. Hope you enjoy the chuckle as much as I did this morning:

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my backseat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "UnderGod" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al-Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late!