Monday, March 24, 2008

I'm a Dork

This is probably one of those posts I'll regret later, but here goes, anyway.

At 36 years of age, I am coming to accept that I am a dork. I seem to be perpetually saddled with a shyness and awkwardness in social situations. I genuinely want to be an encourager. I care about people, really, I do. But I seem to have the hardest time conveying this in personal conversation. More often than not I find myself either tongue-tied and having a hard time saying anything or babbling and wishing I would just shut up. This is true in correspondence as well. I am trying to learn that less is more in what I write on an encouraging card or in some of my blog posts. That’s hard for a blogger (I typed ‘blooger’ again – perhaps that would fit better what I do around here) who likes words. Why is it so hard for me to just write, “Happy Birthday!” or, “I’m thinking of you,” on a card? Lots of times I search for words to write and end up cringing at my dorkiness but sending the card on anyway, hoping love will cover my multitude of dumb words and the recipient will sense the heart behind them.

I have never been one of those women who are comfortable in social situations, able to make small talk and chit chat. It usually takes me a while to warm up to a group, and I’m usually able to talk fairly coherently about serious things – Bible study, doctrine, etc., and kid stuff and mom stuff, too, but I’m not so good with the chit chat and small talk. And when I’m with a group of women, I often feel so dorky with regard to clothes and fashion and hair, you know, all that stuff. I go brain dead when I shop for clothes. I just don’t know how to put together cute outfits. So, I tend to feel dorky when I go to women’s events and make the mistake of looking around at the many perfectly coiffed and styled women around. Not always, but often. Thankfully, I don’t think I really look as dorky as I feel, but I’ll never be Ms. Fashionable. While I am quite feminine, I've never been a real girly girl - never really cared much for nail polish and beauty regimines and just the right piece of jewelry or just the right shoes and all that. I’m much more comfortable in jeans. And if I’m honest, if I can look past the perfectly styled ones, there are lots of other women just like me there, too, who aren’t quite so perfect but are perfectly acceptable – and why am I looking at outward appearance and trying to measure up, anyway?

I also tend to look back over things I’ve said or written, especially times when I’ve shared deep thoughts, and cringe, thinking, “Now why did I go and say all that?” And, oh, the blog comments! Can I tell you how dumb I've felt over some of them that I've left? Can I tell you how many I have started and then not left at all because I can't comment without tripping all over my babbles? I am woefully terrible about not leaving blog comments. I worry way too much about what other people think about my words. I’m trying to let that go. I am looking to the day when I will care much more what my Savior thinks than what anyone else does. I have a long way to go. My affirmation really must come from Him alone. I’m really thankful I can babble to Him in my prayers and He still hears them. I’m extremely thankful for His grace and forgiveness and the fact that He would save a dork like me and have works He has prepared beforehand for me to do. May I be faithful! May I learn to guard my words, but not to be so introspective that I do not use them at all.

So, I’m kind of a dork. I’m learning to be okay with that.


Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me? I always think your comments add to the conversation and are so eloquent. You may feel like a dork, but I certainly don't think you're a dork. :)

Shawnda said...

Ok....I'm totally with Leslie, and feeling like I should have written this post...NOT YOU! This is an ongoing conversation my husband and I have b/c I HATE social atmospheres for all the reasons you just shared....I usually leave crying and repeating over and over (outloud, no less) "you are SO STUPID!!!"

OK....have you ever seen Dirty Dancing? : ) Yes, this IS going somewhere!!! If you haven't, that's probably a good thing : ) But I wasn't raised with boundaries or convictions! So, I watched it.

Anyhow, there's a scene where the main guy (Patrick Swayze) walks up to the main girl (Jennifer somebody, I think) and says..."what are you doing here". She responds "I carried a watermelon". As he walks away, she quietly repeats her response, "I carried a watermelon???" questioning why in the world she responded with THOSE words : ) That's pretty much what I feel like anytime I get into a conversation with somebody I don't know or barely know!

So, what sparked this post??

Becoming Me said...

Oh please, please do not regret this post. It touched my heart. Your honesty is so refreshing. I felt as though I wrote that post. I relate in so many ways. I think we all feel dorky at time or often for that matter. I've never met you in person but I do subscribe to your blog and think it is lovely. I never once thought you were a dork. Never. I think that we are often out own worst critics. I hope you have a beautiful week and see yourself as beautiful too. I am so not trying to promote my own blog here, but I wrote a post a few weeks ago that may offer you some encouragement as you struggle with some self doubt. It's called I'm such a beautiful girl. Blessings to you. Angela

Rebekah said...

Thank you, friends.

Shawnda - exactly! Yes, I have seen that, and yes, that's how I feel a lot of the time - complete with the tears on the way home and the husband trying to console me.

"So, what sparked this post??" Now, that would be telling....just kidding. Actually, it's because I just sent a birthday card off to a friend and spent most of my message apologizing for being late instead of just saying, "Happy birthday," in effect making it all about me, which was not at all what I intended. I would have erased and started over, but I wrote in pen on the card, so I just sent it. Silly, huh?

jen elslager said...

Ah, dorks of the world unite! :)

(you know I'll feel stupid for saying that later...)

I'm another one of those who could have written this one myself. And that's all I have to say about that. ;)

Rebekah said...

Jen, that made me laugh out loud. I'm glad I wasn't drinking a diet Coke when I read your comment!

Heather said...

Okay, folks, here's the irony....

The card arrived RIGHT ON TIME.

It was NOT dorky, it was kind, and the only card I got that day. Amid the craziness of having five extra people in our house this week, my dh and kids kind of "forgot" my birthday.

I totally appreciated it!

BTW, Beck, I drove to Cocoa Beach with my friends yesterday and thought of you (I hadn't been past Merritt Island since your wedding). Then I came home to a card from you. Very cool.

I may just have to drive to your neck of the coast this summer if y'all aren't coming to FL.

I'm also blessed you love CBS. I miss it so much (I core led and did worship for years). I'm debating a 45 min drive to Casselberry to participate next year...sound crazy?

Thanks for the Birthday blessings.


Rebekah said...

Hi, Heather!

Oh, GOOD! I can't believe it got there so fast. Wish I could have been at Cocoa Beach with you. I think I'll talk to Drew about coming down sometime this summer - surely we could at least do a short trip - we haven't been since Boo was just little. We'll have to get together then! Of course, if you just really need to do a road trip, by all means, come visit!!

And, no, 45 minutes doesn't sound crazy at all. Too bad there's not one closer.

Happy birthday, my sweet friend.

Lisa writes... said...

Will you get out of my brain already?
Dork Lisa

Elle said...

All right, since you are taking the "I'm a Dork" title, may I please have the "I'm a Freak" title? I feel a future blog post coming on. Long live the dorks who write as genuinely as you.

Rebekah said...

I'm honored to share the Dork title if you wish. :^) Who knew there were so many who feel this way? In a strange sort of way you all are making me feel much more normal. Thank you kindly.

Then there is my husband who just told me I can be the "She-Dork" for the day if he can be the "He-Dork." He gets no argument from me on that one.

Sunny said...

Ok, as your sister-in-law, I must comment on this one. I know you worry if you say the right thing or if you say too much. I want to let you and everyone reading this know that you have said exactly what I needed to hear on many occasions. And, you've also known when to be sympathetic and listen. I'm proud to call you my sister and my friend! :-)

Kelly said...

I love your realness and vulnerability--I have never been one for chit-chat either:)

Stephanie said...

I randomly got to this post from another blog and thought I'd say hello. And this sounds JUST like me too! Crazy-funny!