You are not as surprised as I was, trust me.
And it was confirmed by the doctor yesterday afternoon that we are expecting a new little family member somewhere around September 21. This was not in the plan. I am ashamed to admit that my first reaction upon seeing that result a couple of weeks ago wasn’t immediate joy. It was to alternate between crying, feeling overwhelmed, feeling some fear, and also feeling a budding excitement, with crying happening a lot for the first three days or so. Life is precious, children are a gift from the Lord. I believe this with all my heart. I also believe that a Christian marriage should have an attitude of welcoming children. And we do. I know it is God who opens and closes the womb. But my first reaction was that the timing right now is....interesting, not what we had planned or expected. And I feel so guilty about that.
A few reasons for my fearful reaction is that we will be moving before this baby is due. I will have to change doctors in the middle of it all. Scary thought. Another reason is that I have actually been pregnant six times. Well, seven now. Three of those pregnancies resulted in Joshua, Michael, and Rachel, for which Drew and I are very thankful. However, the other three resulted in painful miscarriages at 10-11 weeks. So, it’s a little hard to get excited this early on, and again I feel guilty. Also, since this wasn’t planned, I had been drinking coffee and sodas, so this poor little one is probably swimming in caffeine....something I wouldn’t have done had I been planning for this. The rest of my reasons are selfish, and again I feel guilty about that. We gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby stuff before we moved here. We will have to start all over again, and that’s hard. My running goal, to which I had come so close (I was up to 25 minutes jogging, something I have never in my life been able to do before) is now being put on hold for a while. As well as my weight loss goal, though I am committing to eating healthier and snacking less than I did with previous pregnancies. And I really thought I was done with diapers. Sigh.
But, with some time and God’s grace, I am becoming excited about the little life that is growing in me, and praying for peace not to worry about miscarriage again or about the quantum leap my life seems to be taking at the moment. I have so many fears that I am not living up to being the kind of mom I am called to be, and adding one more child to our family only increases that daily dependence on God for His grace and wisdom. And I know that God is good all the time, and I can trust Him. Jesus is my great High Priest who is at the right hand of God and is ever interceding for me, His child.
About a year ago, I blogged about hineni, the Hebrew word that so often characterized the response of the Patriarchs and Prophets when God called. Hineni, roughly translated means, “Here I am,” with the intent of being ready and willing to obey, which is how Abraham, for example, answered when God called him. I said when I wrote that post that I want that to characterize my response to God’s calling, too. And I still do. Here I am, Lord, and I will joyfully embrace this gift, because it is a gift, and I will lay my fears in Your very capable hands. Jesus Christ is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, surely He can sustain me as I seek to mother and love the children He has given me.
So, while this was not in our master plan, it is obviously in our Master’s plan for us, and we know that His plans for us are for our good and for His glory and He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I ask for prayer that I will continue to submit to God’s will for me joyfully rather than fearfully, because there is no question but that I am submitting.