Heartache

Job 1:21

“...The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.”

This has not been my most favorite Valentine’s weekend, and it has nothing to do with my Valentine, Drew. I love my man even more today than the day we married.

Once again, what happened was not in my plan. Sorrow accompanies another miscarriage over the course of this entire weekend. I had just begun to wrap my mind around being pregnant and to embrace the dream of holding our unexpected but welcome new little one come September, and now this. I am still a little numb as I type this, and it bothers me that I seem to be unable to cry, aside from the first tears on Friday afternoon when this all started. Several friends have called to offer sympathy and support, and I have heard the tears in their voices, but I cannot cry and just feel more emotionally numb as the physical pain increases, and all I feel now is that I just want it to be over. I feel sort of broken inside. Thank you to those of you who didn’t know what to say but called anyway. You have ministered to me in a very special way just to know that you care. And I know from experience that once the physical part of this is over, the emotional floodgates will open, and the tears that have sporadically fallen will increase, as I begin to accept that this dream is not to be after all.

I have decided not to dwell on asking, “Why?” I probably will not have an answer to the whys this side of Heaven, and that is okay. But I do know Who I am trusting with my broken heart, and Who I have always trusted. Jesus is the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. Surely I can, and must, trust Him to bind up my broken heart and to take care of the “whys” in a way that will bring Him glory. In this I find rest.

Again I will sing, I will praise, and I will say, “Here I am,” even in this, even today.

Lord, here I am, ready to walk this path that You have chosen for me. Though I am broken and hurting I will trust You to bind up my broken heart and heal my physical pain. I will rest in You, the only One who can comfort my heart with the peace which passes all understanding and to grant me the rest for which I long. My great and mighty High Priest who is ever interceding for me, I leave my hurt and whys in Your hands. I will trust You to grant me the strength to glorify You even in this. It is in Christ alone in whom I have placed my trust. To God alone be the glory.