Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Proverbs 29:11
“A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.”

I can see going two directions with this one this week while thinking on it myself and in talking to the boys about it.

First, as applies to me: This would be a good verse to tape onto my computer monitor so I’ll remember it when I’m tempted to spill too much in a blog post or comment. A good thing to learn is that we don’t have to spill all the details of our gripes, frustrations, or bad feelings regarding our own personal situation in order to make a point. Consider the audience and don’t share just everything with just everyone. Something I need to remember.

Sometimes after an opportunity to have a time of conversation with grown-up type people (something that is rather rare for me these days), I often feel like I’ve “said too much” once I come home and think over the evening, especially when there is an issue burdening my heart or that I’ve been struggling through or feel especially passionate about. I think that probably stems from the fact that I too rarely have opportunities to have conversations with anyone, other than my husband, who is over the age of 8, and when I do get to talk about things that matter with people who, theoretically, would understand the kinds of things that are on my heart these days, I sometimes say more than I should have, venting too many of my feelings on a topic that would have been better left unsaid in that particular conversation or with that particular person. Better to consider who I’m talking with and whether what I’m venting is really appropriately shared with that person or if they’ll even understand what I’m so exercised about in the first place and think over something for a bit and not spill more than should be spilled than to just discuss all the frustrations or deep feelings I may have. When I’ve asked D about whether he thinks I “said too much,” usually he doesn’t think so, but sometimes I wonder. Discretion and thinking through the appropriateness of what you’re saying and who you’re saying it to is a good thing. Not everyone needs to know everything I’m thinking on every given subject. The same goes for blogging. Though I have benefited from having this blog to work through some of my own thoughts, better not to vent the personal stuff too much. I’m pretty transparent in that I don’t want to wear a mask and present myself as something I’m not or be afraid to tell the truth when it needs to be said, but I’d rather go back and clarify than wish I had just kept my mouth shut in the first place.

Another direction I can see taking the principle in this verse when talking with our boys who are little people still learning how to deal with their own powerful emotions, is to remind them to keep their frustration and anger in check. And while I’m reminding them, I’ll be reminding myself, too. It is far, far too easy in the comfort and familiarity of home to let down that polite guard we keep up for everyone “out there” and let loose with all kinds of venting when feelings are stepped on or tweaked by those we love most. Sometimes it scares me how quickly a little well-chosen (or not so well-chosen, depending on how you’re looking at it) comment that hits just the right hair-trigger button made by one boy to his brother can escalate into a full-blown shouting and punching match. It’s amazing how quick the trigger to vent is at home, when out in public we seem to put on our best behavior. How much more beneficial to demonstrate that wise trait of holding back while we’re at home! I want to learn to be wise and hold back the worst of my feelings rather than responding in the heat of the moment when something tweaks my frustrations. And by teaching and by example, I want to pass the understanding of the importance of that discipline of self-control on to my children.

Somehow in our culture, feelings have become king. Road rage is an example that comes to mind. Rather than showing the discretion of holding back, we lash out at complete strangers and things escalate so quickly these days. People complain about how we no longer live in a civil society. This venting of any feeling, and not just anger, but anything we feel, in the name of “honesty” is a key reason for that.

And this “feelings are king” mentality that seems to have taken over lately in our culture has seeped into the church among professing Christian people and manifests itself in other ways, too. Decisions are often made based on feelings rather than careful thought and prayer. Even Christian couples are too often terribly quick to jump ship on the commitment of their marriages because they no longer feel like they are in love anymore, rather than understanding that real love is working through the hard stuff even when we don't feel like it and enjoying the deep satisfaction of knowing they are committed to each other for life, through the good and the bad. We often are more interested in feeling good at church than we are in worshiping in truth and teaching the Word truthfully and boldly. Somehow we’ve gotten it all turned around to where we think the church is solely about our feelings and having our felt needs met rather than gathering to worship the One who shed His blood to make us right with Him so that we could be equipped to love and obey Him, and serve our brothers and sisters in Christ, and work together to spread the gospel and disciple new believers. Our opinions often matter more to us than what the Bible actually says. Our taste in music style is more important to us than what the words of the music are actually saying. Experiential feelings are elevated to the same level as, or even placed higher than, the revelation of the Bible in a lot of people’s minds in determining what is true faith. How we feel about faith or the experience we’re having is seen as much more important than searching the scriptures for what is true.

I pray often for the wisdom to hold back when I feel like spilling all the feelings I have all over my family or anyone else. And I also want to remember not to put too much trust in my feelings, which are not a true teacher of what is right. Feelings are subject to all kinds of things and are really not trustworthy. I keep stressing with the kids when they argue that they don’t want to do what I’ve said or don’t feel like doing what is right that it really doesn’t matter what they feel like when they know what is right. They’ve got to do right anyway. Usually the feelings will follow along behind, and this is a major reason it is wise not to vent them all too quickly in the first heat of the moment.