A Little More of My Testimony

I’ve been thinking more about what I wrote of my testimony in yesterday's post. I mentioned that I struggled with doubt during my teen years and into young adulthood. I kind of breezed over that part, but it really was a big deal for me for many years. While reading several of the testimonies that were posted around the blogosphere yesterday, I really recognized much of my story in lots of them.

For instance, one that I read talked about growing up in a fairly Arminian type of church and praying the “sinner’s prayer” lots and lots of times and not being sure which one actually “took,” but knowing that she belongs to the Lord now. Yep. Been there, too. When I was a young teenager, I went to our assistant youth pastor and told him that I was really struggling with doubting my salvation for I was so young when I prayed and was baptized, and I wasn’t sure I had understood enough then. He talked with me a while and told me he saw real evidence in my life that I did belong to the Lord, but if it would help me feel more assured I could pray right then. I did. That was around the age of 12 or 13, I think – the same time that I was beginning to understand things better and to be more aware of my sin and to learn to read my Bible daily. So, was that the true moment of my conversion? Or was I really saved at 5 and God led me to understand more fully later? Only God really knows the actual moment of my conversion, I think. But I do know that I have been born again, for I know Who my redeemer is and I know that I am trusting Jesus’ atoning work on the cross and His righteousness as the basis of salvation. And I also know that I have a growing hunger for His Word and a passion to believe and live that Word correctly that can only come from Him. Ultimately, God has known me since before the foundation of the world, so I entrust myself to Him.

I also read a post that asked whether rebaptism was necessary in a situation very similar to mine. Again, I’m not sure. I have thought and prayed over whether my baptism is in order or not in my own life, and I know the Lord will convict me if I need to correct it and be rebaptized. My husband and I have decided in our children’s lives to be pretty cautious in this area. Our oldest son, J, spent an intense evening with me when he was 6 asking lots of questions. I answered them and he wanted to pray to receive Christ. I helped him do that, but we are waiting now for the Lord to continue leading in his life. I do not want him to be confused later on. He asks about baptism every once in a while, and we talk to him and answer any questions he has, but we want the final decision to be his based on when the Lord leads him to make that commitment. He also asks us about the Lord’s Supper, but we’ve told him that he cannot take it until he has committed his life to Jesus and been baptized. So, we pray for all of our children that they will be saved young and that they will really know and understand the Gospel, and that we will faithfully teach them the truth clearly. We want their commitment to Christ to happen as a result of the Holy Spirit leading in their lives, and we don’t want them to make a false profession due to our pressuring them, no matter how well-intentioned we might be. These are eternally important things.

I do know that when I reached adulthood and began really studying the Bible and listening to good expository (Biblical, verse-by-verse) preaching by men like Alistair Begg and John MacArthur, among others, my doubts began to be resolved as I more fully understood the depth of God’s love for me. I think my doubts were rooted in a deep-seated and unrecognized feeling that I wasn’t good enough for God to really, really love me. And when I realized that that is true – I’m not good enough and no matter how good I acted I could not make Him love me for my righteousness, which is all filthy rags anyway, but that it is all because of His Son, Jesus Christ and His righteousness that He loves me, then the doubt subsided. I had trusted Christ and I knew that it wasn’t my good works that saved me, but Christ alone, but somehow, there was still that residual feeling deep down in my heart of hearts that I had to “be good” to be loved. I still felt unlovable.

I think that may be a danger we need to guard against for children who are raised in the church. I need to go back to that theme I keep harping on. When the Bible is taught as isolated stories with simple moral lessons and out of order and context, we miss the big picture of God’s amazing grace. We run a real danger when we teach only the simple moral lessons rather than the whole context of those stories of raising a bunch of confused Christians who know in their heads that salvation is all of Christ and based on His righteousness, but they’ve had the moral lessons devoid of their deeper context so drilled into them that they learn to believe that we need to “be good,” too. In practice we are teaching faith plus works, though we don’t mean to be. Or worse, we train up a bunch of young people who know we keep telling them to be moral, but they don’t really know why they should. This is unintentional, I know. But, having taught a children’s discipleship class for several years recently, I have seen this. The first curriculum I used was heavy on the moral lessons, light on the actual Gospel. I told my husband that we were teaching these kids how to be moral, but not really what it is to be saved. We were trying to disciple children who had not yet committed their lives to Christ. We had it backwards. They weren’t disciples, yet. They needed to be taught the Gospel! Then we found the Firm Foundations curriculum that teaches the whole counsel of the Word of God. The children learn that God is the Creator, and they learn about the Fall in context, and they learn the history of redemption in context. This is so, so, so important.

I am thankful for the good teaching I’ve been exposed to as a child and as an adult, and I’m so very, very, very thankful to my gracious God for taking the simple child-like faith of a 5-year-old and leading me throughout my life to understand the beautiful Gospel of grace. I firmly believe that any understanding of the truth and any love I have for God’s Word is a real gift from God. Christ has been so faithful to me in leading me to understand His love and grace and granting me the Holy Spirit to open His Word to my understanding. I’m thankful that He has shown me His love and mercy and opened my heart and mind to His grace and truth. There are not enough words to express my extreme gratitude for what He has done for me. Praise Him!