School Days, School Daze

It must be that time of year again. I can always tell when it is back to school time, or time for midterms or finals. The dreams start and they are always some variation of one of three types of dream. None of them are pleasant. Usually they start out with a dream about me either forgetting something important (like brushing my hair, wearing shoes or some other item of clothing) and trying desperately throughout the school day to have time to get back home and fix the situation. I had that one last night. Usually this progresses to some kind of dream about needing to get to my locker and either not being able to get it open or not having time to get there and to the next class before the bell rings. This progresses to me sitting in a class and realizing that we have finals in a day or two and I’ve forgotten all about one of my classes, have never attended it, can't even find the classroom, and it is too late to drop the class so I’ll have to take the final with no clue about what I’m supposed to know.

These dreams vary in the details, sometimes I’m still in high school, sometimes in college, and usually some weird combination of both. In the dream last night, I was the age I am now, but trying to get acclimated to a new year of high school, and in the dream this was all understandable.

These are not happy dreams. I wake up in a panic, just like I did at 4am today. I cannot in this format describe the emotional distress that is a part of these dreams, and just describing the dream doesn’t convey it.

I did very well in school, made good grades, and none of these dreams have bearing on my real life experience, except for the emotional turmoil going on in my own mind. That was real all through school, though I did a pretty good job of suppressing it and continuing on. I tended to overwork myself and feel that I had never studied enough. This intensified in college, so much so that, looking back, I realize that I didn’t really allow myself to enjoy college much at all. I did like football season and going to different activities, but I was so stressed about the reason I was there, my studies, that I never really let myself make those lasting friendships that I hear so many people talk about. And I regret that. I regret that I wasn’t as good a friend as I should have been to my roommates and that I didn’t get more involved with the church and campus groups I tried to be part of. It didn’t help that the major I chose ended up not being what I’m suited to. On the flip side, I did meet my husband while in college, and that is something I’m extremely grateful about.

It has been a whopping 18 years since I graduated from high school, and 14 since I graduated from college. Doesn’t matter. The dreams keep reminding me what time of year it is. When I tried to go back to school and finish my master’s degree for Speech Pathology, I was in a program which allowed me to work in the public school as a speech pathologist in training with a licensed mentor as my supervisor who came in about once a week to advise me. I threw up every single morning before going to work. I lost a lot of weight that semester, but I wouldn't recommend that diet plan to anyone. I finally, after many tears and prayers and the full support of my loving husband, quit the school job in October and finished that semester and walked away from my chosen area of study. Maybe, someday, I’ll write a post about that. Maybe not.

I have often thought about going back to school to study something else one day when the kids are older. I know that one day, when they are out of the nest, I’ll probably want a job. Granted, that’s a long, long way away at the moment, but I’ve thought about it. Every single time I think about having to write essays and get back into a classroom setting, the nausea I experience is real enough to put me off food for hours.

I am so, so, so glad I don’t need a Master’s degree to be Wife and Mommy. That is my real calling, and I’m extremely thankful for a husband who sees that and honors it and loves me unconditionally. What a blessing he is.

At the risk of entering dangerous waters, remembering that this blog is a personal journal of my own journey, not a soapbox to try to impose my struggles over this topic on anybody else, I say that this is also one of the many reasons we are not homeschooling at the moment. I admire families who do it well. I really do. I understand that many families feel a real calling to home education, and that’s wonderful, and I’m glad that the barriers to this are becoming less and less. We do not feel that calling. When I read about all the curriculum decisions and see pictures of very organized shelves and hear wonderful stories about how great it is, I’ve often felt that I am something less of a mom because, at this season of my life, I just do not have that desire. In fact, when I’ve seriously thought about could we do it, should we do it, I’ve gotten physically sick to my stomach thinking about taking on the day-to-day business of teaching math and English and science and etc.

I do not have those sick feelings about teaching them the Bible and our worldview, and I am aware that with them in public school I really need to be on top of knowing what they are learning there. I also know that we need to be paying very close attention and trusting the Lord each year that if we need to pull them out we will be able and willing to do so. But, right now, we have them where we do after praying and considering that decision carefully from many angles.

In our real life, we have known people who are so very convinced that homeschooling (as well as some other disputable matters) is the only viable option for Christian families we literally have felt emotionally beat up over this issue. This is a matter for each family to decide with much prayer and consideration. I long for the day when we will all be gracious to each other on this issue and build each other up rather than the opposite. And I’m not saying this in response to anything from my blogging friends – most of those discussions have been very gracious - but from things we’ve faced in our real life situation here. We Christians should all agree that training up our children in the Lord is of vital importance. It is extremely important that we teach them God’s word and teach them how His redemptive plan is woven throughout His word as a comprehensive work and that our faith and doctrine must inform how we live each day for God’s glory. How we do so is something we, as parents, are accountable to our Lord about. I do not take this lightly.

I hope I won’t regret having shared all that, but it is where I am right now, and it’s something I’m thinking about, with the beginning of school on August 20 bearing down upon us and my vivid dreams gearing up again.