Time is Weird, Sing for Joy

I was on my way home from dropping my daughter off at high school the other day and I saw a sign advertising for a local flag football team.  Out of the blue tears threatened and I thought, “We don’t have anyone in our house that can apply to anymore, and we haven’t for a while now.”  Here’s the weird part, do I want right now to be running kids around to flag football, upward basketball, and all the other stuff we were busy doing when they were little? Not really. But sometimes I am hit with a kind of wistfulness that we are past having kids that age now. 

Time is so weird. When I started this blog, my youngest was not even a year old. That little one is the 15-year-old high school student I was dropping off the other day, and her brothers are basically mostly out of the nest, away at college, the oldest just starting grad school this semester. In some ways the me I was when, with trepidation and trembling fingers, I hit “post” on that very first tentative venture into the great unknown of sharing my thoughts from my little corner of the internet and I started this blog seems a lifetime ago - so much growing, maturing, and so many moves and packings and unpackings and joys and sorrows and more great unknowns and just living were still ahead of us then. And even blogging was a whole different thing back then. The lonely mom with three busy littles at home needed that little blog community we had back in the day. That kind of blogging doesn’t really exist anymore, and sometimes I miss it a little.  

This song came on my play list yesterday and it took me back to when my middle boy was about 4 years old and he would sing this thing with joy while strapped in his carseat in the back of the minivan. I would be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I miss that little guy singing in the back of the minivan. One of the weird things about time is that when I get these wistful feelings I can sometimes spiral into wondering, did I make the most of those years? Did I enjoy them enough? Was I too serious about things I should have been able to laugh about more? Did I do all I should have done to train up my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? But those wistful moments don’t last long. They don’t last long because I look at the young man that little guy has become and the young man his older brother has become and the sweet young lady their little sister is becoming, and I realize that these precious people have moved from being my littles who I got to raise to being friends I get to enjoy and to enjoy watching them spread their wings and shine, and I’m thankful.  So incredibly thankful.

Time is weird because in some ways it goes so slowly when we are in the moments, but when we look back it almost takes our breath away to see where we’ve come and how quickly it seems to have gotten here, and how different we are today from yesterday. I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that this little blog has existed on this little corner of the web for 15 years. I really can’t even wrap my head around how fast those 15 years seem to have gone. And I can't really wrap my head around how different I am from the me I was in those yesterday years. The days are long, but the years are swift. 

As I’m thinking about these things, I am also remembering a dear friend who went home to be with the Lord this week. She was one of the most joy-filled people I’ve ever known.  She loved Jesus so deeply, and she took her walk with Him very seriously, and man, she knew how to live.  She just overflowed with the fragrance of Christ and she lived and loved and laughed so well.  I want to remember my friend and I want to be more like her. 

I heard a sermon several years ago that very much has stuck with me, from Ecclesiastes talking about how we can enjoy the portion God has given us. My friend did that so well. 

When I was younger, I struggled a lot with some not great teaching from certain Christian circles about how we need to do big things for God, do more, try harder, do better. I wasted much time worrying about missing my calling and that I didn’t know what big thing I was supposed to be doing and I felt so much pressure about that.  Then one day I realized, my big thing was right here, raising my littles, being the wife my husband needed, taking care of our home so he was freed to do the things he needed to do to take care of us, and I realized, the big thing I need to be doing is to honor God in all I do, to live full out for Jesus right where He has planted me. As I look at my kids who aren’t littles anymore and who have become treasured friends, I realize this is has been, and still is, a good portion. 

So, as I’m thinking about the weirdness of time and that weird wistfulness I feel sometimes, I’m reminded again of the joy of knowing that I can find joy and glorify God with the portion He has given me today. I can live this life with joy and fullness, loving Jesus every step of the way, and in every season and twist and turn of life. What abundance His joy and grace and new mercies are every single day.  And I’m so very thankful. 

Singing With Thankfulness in Our Hearts

Colossians 3:16

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

After opening with singing Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee and prayer, we got to sing this song today in church.  What a wonderful way open worship on this first Sunday of a new year! We were introduced to CityAlight at our last church and we have loved adding their songs into our repertoire of the newer hymns that are being written in recent years.  I’m thankful for the wealth of newer hymns that are rich in biblical language that we can add to our library of psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs we can sing with thankfulness in our hearts to God.

I recently went through a bout of the blues where I felt low and couldn’t really explain it. 2021 was a year with a lot of challenges and griefs one on top of another that felt overwhelming at times. I have found that when that kind of pressure starts building and I may have trouble focusing on reading my Bible deeply and well in some of those moments, one of the best comforts I’ve found is to put good music with Christ-exalting lyrics and thoughts on repeat and fill my heart and mind with them. I am extremely thankful for the gift of music.  Often these rich spiritual songs minister to my soul in a deep and resonant way. I am thankful that God is bringing new hymn writers to us, people like Keith and Kristyn Getty, Stuart Townend, Matt Papa, Andrew Peterson, CityAlight, Sovereign Grace and many others who are writing music we can sing, even when our hearts are broken, which take us out of ourselves and to the very throne of God, bringing light to adorn the darkness and lifting the sprit in times of trouble. 

Today was a good day to start this new year, also, because we were finally able to formally join our new church.  We have known for a while now that this church is to be our new home and church family, but life circumstances kept happening that hindered us from going forward. Today we finally got to make it public that we want Northwest Hills Baptist Church to be our new church family here. We are excited to join in the life and work of this little body of believers and we are thankful for the deep and solid teaching, gospel and grace-centered encouragement, and rich friendships we are already developing here. 

God is so kind to us. And I am grateful. 

Homesick

 

Romans 8:18-25

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Proverbs 14:13

“Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and the end of joy may be grief.”

“The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers, For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.” - C.S. Lewis

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about how in this fallen world how tangled and intertwined joy and grief, contentment and longing, laughing and weeping are in just about everything we do and all that we hold dear.  With my mom passing into glory earlier this year, I’ve been thinking a lot about the strange mingling of joy and grief. On the one hand there is the joy of knowing her, having gotten to be her daughter and have her in my life for as long as I did, and also the ache in knowing how many of the years of her life were marked by some form of suffering through which she grew mightily in her faith, but it wasn’t an easy walk. Even in death there is the grief of separation, those moments when I think, “I wish I could talk to Mom about this, I wish she could have seen or heard this, I wish I could ask what she would think about this,” but then there is the sweet joy of knowing her physical exhaustion and pain are over, her faith is sight, she is in the presence of the Lord.

Another way I’ve been pondering some of these deep thoughts is in the very nature of friendships and relationships. When you have to move as often as we do, you come face to face with the grief of goodbyes. You also come face to face with both the joys and the difficulties of new hellos. It takes time to build up the kind of closeness that breeds deep and intimate friendships. It seems that for many of my adult years I have found myself finally finding people I could grow to have that kind of friendship with, only to have to pack up and move and say goodbye before really getting the chance to let those friendships fully blossom further. It seems that most of my adult life I’ve been torn between missing people we have known, looking forward to knowing new people, and learning to plant quickly in the place where we are at the moment. I told my husband the other day, I haven’t really, truly felt like we are ‘home’ in a long time.  Even when we are settled, in the backs of our minds, we know we most likely will be moving again in a few years, and though we try to plug in and form bonds and bloom where we’re planted, blooming and blossoming takes time, forming real community and trust and friendship doesn’t happen overnight.

Even when we have time, I find that real, deep friendship is a hard thing to come by. I think part of what we lost in the Fall back in Genesis is the ability to truly be open and truly vulnerable with others. Even in the best of friendships, often we are holding ourselves back, there is just something missing. This is why marriage and family are such a unique and beautiful blessing. On earth in our fallenness, marriage and family should be the relationships that come closest to being able to truly just be ourselves.  This is also why brokenness in marriages and families hurt so very deeply. When the people who should be the most able to be open and vulnerable and know everything about us are a safe place, it is a glorious glimpse of some of what we lost in the fall, but when they are not a safe place, it mars the gospel picture in a really ugly and deeply painful way. 

Another place where we ought to be able to find a glimpse of what is being restored for those who trust in Christ and have been joined to Him is in the Church. When people genuinely love Jesus and are seeking Him and His brilliant beauty above all else, it ought to bond them to others who also genuinely love and belong to Jesus. And I have found in all of our moving that if I’m going to find those kindred spirit kinds of friendships that I think we all desperately long for, it is within the local church families we’ve joined. 

But part of the cost of living on this side of eternity is that in loving well, we are also at risk of grieving hard. When a loved one passes away, or we have to pack up and leave cherished friends or friends who would have been kindred spirits had we had more time to develop the friendship, it hurts deeply. Life is hard.  There is so much wrong in the world that we long to see restored and made right. And the real hope for the believer in Christ is the knowing that He is making all things new.  He is sovereign and wrong will not win.  Jesus wins. He has conquered sin and death and He is where our hope finds rest, even as we live with the tension of the now and the not yet of that fulfillment on this side of eternity.

As I told a friend recently when we were expressing sadness that we hadn’t had time to know each other better, one day we will have all of eternity to develop friendships that won’t ever have to end as we worship Jesus together, no more marred by the sin that entangles us here. 

Something else that feeds these thoughts is that as I see the news and how divided people are, how much we can’t trust the voices we should be able to trust, how bad things seem to be in the world, I just feel a sense of homesickness, even when we are settled somewhere. It’s not like I’m wanting to be in some specific place that I’m missing, it’s more that I just don’t feel like it’s home in the deepest sense. I think what I’m longing for is not so much a place, but a Person. I’m longing to know Christ more and to find my security and rest and HOME in Him. This desire grows the longer I walk with Him and realize that the only hope for all of these things I’m pondering about is Jesus. He is the something better which my heart yearns for. It is in Him that we can be freed from the sin and discontent and lack of ability to let go of my self-centeredness and rest in Him and be free to love others and truly enjoy the portion He has granted with all its joys and sorrows combined. 

So, while we sojourn here on this side of eternity, let us seek to pursue Christ wholeheartedly, love others deeply and hold back less and less so we can give more and more of ourselves and make the best use of the time we’ve been given to share glimpses of eternity with others and moments of light in the darkness as we love well. I feel like I’m rambling a bit and not adequately saying what I’m trying to say here, but it’s a start. I’m speaking to myself.  I have such a tendency to hold back, to be shy, to live like a hermit, and then complain because of the ache of loneliness that I often don’t know how to break. Whatever the circumstances, I want to see Jesus for how precious and beautiful He is, and I want to live so full of that grace that I can reach out to kindred spirits and point them to His glory and together to live the life He has given us and enjoy the portion He has for us well, to purpose to fully enjoy the joys while not hiding from the griefs, to join in fully rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep until He calls us home.

“The term is over; the holidays have begun. The dream is ended; this is the morning. “ - C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

Revelation 21:1-8

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall here be mourning, nor crying, or pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’ And he said to me, ‘It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and  the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolators, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.’”

Revelation 22:1-5

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.”

 

Perspective and Hope

 This poster hangs in our basement.  Today while exercising and facing this poster, a thought hovered and landed, "I wish this were true." I wish I didn't have this pessimism, but lately and increasingly,  I'm sad to say sometimes I do. In this day when an aggressive and vicious from of cancel culture is rising, people seem so prone to view others who think differently and have different opinions as 'the enemy' rather than 'my neighbor.' It seems that with the rise of social media culture, we are becoming people who are so quick to assume the worst rather than the best, to put the worst construction on others' actions rather than trying to assume the best construction, with a growing unwillingness to put ourselves in others' shoes and try to see other perspectives. Take a moment to read through the shaming posts on your local Next Door app and you see so much of this thinking the worst, assuming the worst.  These tools that supposedly are meant to bring us together are doing more to divide and isolate, in my opinion.  

It is a sad day when a neighbor can do something kind and helpful for another neighbor, but that neighbor cannot see beyond the first neighbor's politics and chooses to spurn the kindness and see it as a cynical move for false unity rather than simply a neighborly kindness.  How sad we become as a people, as a culture, if we are going to reduce everyone down to identity politics, and because of that choose to view anyone who doesn't toe the line we set for what is acceptable politically as, not just someone I disagree with, but as a dangerous and immoral enemy I can't cross the aisle to find any common ground with at all.  We are so ugly when we worship at the altar of politics. How is a community supposed to function in this way? How are we supposed to function as a community when we lump people together and make broad assumptions based on who they vote for, or what they look like, or where they are from and refuse to look at people as valuable individuals who have varying and valuable opinions, beliefs, talents, etc.? We have lost the ability to hear an opinion we dislike and just agree to disagree.  Instead of saying, "I don't like what you think, so therefore I don't like you, so you're cancelled and I cannot have any common ground or empathy for you at all," why can't we say, "I don't like your opinion, but could you help me to understand why you think that way and where you're coming from, and we can be friends, or at the least friendly, even if we don't end up agreeing?" Is this the culture we want to promote? 

There is so much more I could say on this topic and a blog post isn't really the format for filling in all the gaps, but that's where my thoughts went as I stared at that poster this morning. 

But that isn't where my thoughts stopped.  You see, I'm not really a pessimist at heart, ultimately.  I love America, don't get me wrong.  Healthy patriotism is ok when kept in proper perspective, and I am thankful for the good things we've had in our country.  It is true that the founding fathers who wrote the constitution and formed our union were flawed men. I have to admit the discomfort and even anger I have felt when I've toured the homes of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, George Mason, and the various sites around Washington, D.C. as we've lived here this past year and a half and contemplated the complexities of those flaws mingled with the brilliance of the government they dreamed up.  For all its flaws, however, this country had and has so much potential. We have seen progress over the years of our existence as a nation, and I hope we refuse to squander that, and I hope we can celebrate it and continue to hope for better. 

But all that said, I have to continue and say that ultimately, my hope is not in America.  When our leaders do what is just and righteous and generally good for the people, I pray they succeed, and when they govern wickedly, I pray for God's mercy.  America is one of the nations, special in its way, yes, but finally just another of the nations, of whom Psalm 46:6 says, "The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts." Ultimately my citizenship is in Heaven.  I am a Christian first and foremost.  No matter what happens to America, whether it stands or falls, my hope is in Christ.  No matter what I see around me, no matter how many difficult days I suspect may lie ahead, my hope, my joy, my stability, security, and peace come from Christ.  I will not fret when the wicked act wickedly. Though I may feel great sadness in seeing what looks to me like a spiral into foolish thinking all around me, I do not fret myself because of evildoers.  (Psalm 37)  I trust in the LORD, delight myself in Him. He is sovereign over the nations.  He is not surprised when sinners act like sinners.  They act they way they do because they are lost.  And this causes me to respond in compassion and to pray for those who would see themselves as my enemy, and to go ahead and do good, act kindly, even when I know it won't be received well or appreciated or even understood.

Anyway, this is where my thoughts went as I stared at that poster this morning. As Kingdom citizens, living as ambassadors for Christ in the country where we've been placed, let us remember to love our neighbors, even when they seem to be unable to love us back or to assume the best of us, and let us live justly and do mercy, pray for them, pray for our leaders, and then resolve ourselves to rejoice in the Lord always, be anxious about nothing, praying with thanksgiving, and may the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7) Let us resolve to focus our attention on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, let us think about these things. (Philippians 4:8) And keep in mind, too, that our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself. (Philippians 3:20-21) Let us resolve to make sure that we take every thought captive to Christ, walk in Him, and guard our hearts and minds so as not to be captivated by worldly philosophies and empty deceits, but rooted and established in Christ and view the world through that lens as we choose to love our neighbors well. Let us remember that we who have trusted in Christ are His ambassadors, ambassadors of His light in the midst of a dark and crooked generation and let us so live that the fragrance of Christ is evident in our thoughts, speech, and actions. 

 

The Mysterious Power of Music

Every once in a while I’m reminded how mysteriously powerful music can be. Whether it’s hearing an instrumental piece of music that gives you chills and makes you just want to sit and submerse yourself in the music to enjoy a glorious music moment, or maybe it is a song that comes on and immediately transports you to another time in your life, complete with all the emotions and senses that go with those memories, music has a deep and rich power that is hard to describe.  I think God gave us a wonderful gift in music, and I think music must be special to Him, too. Think about it, the entire book of Psalms is a song book. There is music and singing throughout the Bible. There is even music and singing in Heaven, can you imagine how glorious it must be? (Revelation 5:9-10, for example) 

Yesterday I found myself alone in my car, for one very rare instance these days, and I had my playlist going. A song came on that brought me right back to the early ’80’s and a flood of emotions filled my car - the awkwardness of junior high, the expectation and hope of youth, the joys of driving to the beach with friends, the painfulness of feeling lonely and awkward and ignored, the joys of cherished friendships, and all kinds of other wordless emotions all wrapped up in a Chicago song. Followed by other songs, all with their own beautiful, jumbled, complex mix of memories and emotions. 

Then this morning, I was listening to another playlist and several songs in a row came on that brought back vividly that year in Ohio, especially the ray of light our membership at Parkside Church was in that otherwise dark and lonely year. Again, a flood of complex and varied memories and emotions filled me. Parkside introduced us to so much really good congregational worship music, and modeled for us such beautiful and rich prayers, and so much of my memory of that time is wrapped up in memories of the beautiful, scripture-saturated, corporate prayers we prayed from sources like The Valley of Vision, among others, and worship music that was rich and deep. One of my most profound memories comes from an evening service during that cold Ohio winter.  Our pastor had just preached a sermon on our hope in Christ, and the closing hymn was It is Well With My Soul. There is something deeply moving and encouraging about standing in a room of people who deeply and truly believe with all their heart what they are singing, and sensing the genuine hope and longing mingled up in the heartfelt voices being raised together to worship our Savior. I hope I never forget how profound that is, though words cannot adequately describe it.

That year we lived in Shaker Heights was a difficult one for our whole family.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as lonely or depressed as I was by the end of that winter. I was talking a while back with one of my sons about that year and he told me some things about how lonely that year in middle school was for him. I cried. I had known it was hard on the kids, but I had not known that he ate by himself almost every day at lunch that year. My older two children both told me they never really fit in with the kids at their schools that year. It broke my heart all over again to hear that they were as lonely as I was there. And the winter. Oh, the bitter, bitter cold of that winter. These, sadly, are some of the complex memories and emotions that music also dredges up.

This, too, is why it is important to expose ourselves to good music. Though we did not live there long enough for it to come even close to ever feeling like home or to really get to know anyone well at all, though we did meet wonderfully kind and caring brothers and sisters in Christ I wish we had had the time to get to know better, had we not had the light of that church, it would have been much darker that year. This morning several songs came on that, to this day, lift my soul and remind me that there is so much more to life than what my circumstances scream at me. It is songs that are rich and doctrinal that will stand the test of time, and they bring a deep comfort to me even today because of the deep comfort they brought me in one of the most difficult years we’ve had. Songs that point me beyond my selfish depression to my glorious Jesus, who has never left me and never forsaken me. For all the darkness and loneliness, God used that time (as He has used many other times) to grow us close as a family, to introduce me to the treasure that is The Valley of Vision, to allow us to sit under truly excellent teaching and preaching, to grow me in learning how to pray deeper and to sing better and to draw me nearer to Him.  I wouldn’t trade it. And, talking with my boys in the years since, they, too have grown and learned, and in time, the next years in Texas allowed us to develop friendships and a loving church family that mended much of the loneliness we left behind. God is so kind.

I’m thankful for God’s good gift of music - all kinds of music, and the way it has a language of its own that often goes deeper than mere words. That’s why band kids can tell you that each year there’s always at least one piece among all the others that they all agree that all of them just LOVE to play. Music stirs us in a way little else can.  But, even more glorious, when beautiful music is combined with rich and Christ-exalting words, it can drive rich truth deep into our very soul in a way that words alone may not.  Can you even imagine, if music here is so mysteriously powerful, what the music of Heaven will be like?

Morning Will Come

“The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: this is the morning.” 

- Aslan in The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

My daughter and I have used this stay at home time to read C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia together. These books have been like treasured friends since I was young, some of my very favorite and well-loved books which I’ve read more times than I can remember.  I greatly enjoyed experiencing them with my 13-year-old daughter these past couple of months, and we cried together as we finished The Last Battle yesterday. She said it’s so sad when you end a good series like this because it’s like saying good-bye to friends.  I agree.  

I do have some issues with C.S. Lewis and some of his theology, and we discussed some of it when it was necessary while reading the books, but one thing he does very, very well is to depict what it is like to have a deep reverence and longing for Christ and for Heaven through his story-telling.  The beauty of the stories, how he shows you can have great joy in the beauty of this life, but yet still have a deep longing for something greater than what we merely taste and glimpse as a shadow in this life has always been what I love about the Narnia stories, but this time especially, it just hit me so strongly. I’m careful not to take the works of fiction that the Narnia books are and make them something they shouldn’t be, but I am thankful for the encouragement they give me to think deeper about the truth of Heaven and the brilliance and beauty of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord. These books aren’t meant to be an allegory, but looking beyond the stories, they do help me to look at Jesus in a more devotional way, to long to love Him and long for His return and long for the day when all tears and sickness and all of the ‘all things’ that are working together for good for those who are called according to His purpose and who love Him will be fulfilled and the dream will have ended and the morning will have come. 

I’ve mentioned before how we’ve just finished our Bible study in Romans, and this morning as I was preparing for our online worship service with our church, I was going over the verses I’m memorizing, Romans 8:37-39, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” This morning that just set so very solidly in my heart as I pondered these words.  What joy. What hope. What peace.  

And then, y’all, church this morning was wonderful.  With just having finished that book yesterday and still feeling that longing for Christ and for Heaven that is so beautifully illustrated in it, I could not sing the songs today without tears. The songs we sang were glorious and so Jesus-focused. The energy of the singing, the urgency of the pastoral prayer, the encouragement of the sermon, were such a blessing today, and while it caused me to greatly miss being with my church family even more, it energized me to worship as I sat in my living room with my family.  Once again I’m reminded that Sundays are a celebration, but also a time to stir up our longing for the day when we will see Jesus face to face. I’m so thankful for Sundays. I need this time to recharge and to reflect and to be encouraged to remember the truth and be pointed toward Jesus. 

I’ve been struggling recently with some depression, and all of these things, the Narnia books, our study in Romans, the faithfulness of our pastors and elders to lead us well in this challenging time when we cannot be together physically, have helped me lift my eyes and fix them on Jesus.  I cannot adequately put into words how much lighter I feel today than I have in a long time, and how I long to love Jesus more and live with a heart that is undivided and wholly serving Him. This is the joy of eternal life - joy and peace in this life, knowing Jesus, knowing that nothing - no circumstances that surround us, no depression that messes with our mind and emotions, can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord, and knowing His peace and joy in the longing for that day when we will see Him face to face. And ultimately there is the joy of knowing that one day, in His time and good Providence, the dream will end and the true morning will come.

Whatever We Trust In

I woke up the other day feeling anxious and depressed, more than I think I ever have before.  I could write all the thoughts I felt crushing me that have been feeding that, many that are serious enough things to be concerned about, but somehow I had let these things become out of perspective in my thinking.  Many of these things are important and need to be discussed and hashed out in our society, but most of them are not my responsibility. I started to write about the things I’m concerned and frustrated and depressed about several times, but each time I felt a check in my spirit, and I decided to keep the details to my private journal and private prayer closet.  Except for this one: I miss church.  I just do. I miss the refreshing of the soul we get when we see each other singing and see each other responding to the Word being preached.  Virtual services are nice, since we can’t have the embodied meeting together, but in no way is it enough. 

So, with that background, the blues that hit hard the other day and which I’m battling to keep in proper perspective, today, during my morning prayer time I read this in one of the prayers from The Valley of Vision and it spoke right to my heart: 

“Remember, O my soul,

It is thy duty and privilege to rejoice in God:

He requires it of thee for all his favors of grace.

Rejoice then in the Giver and his goodness,

Be happy in him, O my heart, and in nothing but God,

for whatever a man trusts in,

from that he expects happiness.”

As I read and prayed through that, when I got to those words, “for whatever a man trusts in, from that he expects happiness,” I stopped and realized that the frustration and depression I am feeling in response to all these things I’m not discussing in detail are, in fact, a gift of grace, because that anxiety and depression are pin-pointing areas I have been sinfully placing my trust and hope for happiness in, without even realizing it.  

We are working on our last lesson from the book of Romans in our women’s Bible study this week, and after months of focusing mostly on Romans 8, this gentle reminder to check the idols in my heart and keep my focus and trust and hope grounded on nothing but God Himself is landing on prepared soil in my heart, where I’ve been meditating and pondering just what it means that God works ALL THINGS for the good of the people who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  All things means all things, even this season of not being able to meet together as a church family, and even those things I woke up anxious and depressed about. So, while the tears are real, and the concerns are real, so, too, and more so, is the genuine, deep, underlying, soul uplifting hope real.  I don’t have to be crushed by anxiety and depression.  I may not be able to control all the physical responses or stop the tears immediately, but I can fix my eyes, even when tear-filled, on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith and purpose in my heart to present my body as a living sacrifice and renew my mind by the washing of His word and choose joy, because He is the sustainer of our joy. 

A few other practical things I’m doing to reorient my thinking and keep things in perspective:

-I’m taking a mental health break away from Facebook and Next-door.  I don’t need one more preachy article about how anxious the secular world thinks we need to be right now and I’m tired of the memes and lectures

-Focusing more purposefully on the scripture passages I’m trying to memorize

-Taking time to pray whenever I feel the anxiety or depression rear up

-Talking through these things with my husband, who often has a great way of helping me see things in proper perspective

-Staying in God’s word and remembering that He is sovereign and His Providence is good all the time

-Listening to good podcasts (Truth for Life with Alistair Begg, Wretched Radio with Todd Friel, Just Thinking with Virgil Walker and Darrell Harrison)

-Making sure to take some time often to listen to doctrinally rich music

Because whatever a man trusts in, from that he expects happiness.  

Psalm 33:18-22

“Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him,

on those who hope in his steadfast love,

that he may deliver their souls from death

and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;

he is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in him,

because we trust in his holy name.

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,

even as we hope in you.”

Status Update - Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Taking…...a break before lunch. After taking a walk with my daughter this morning and cleaning out the mess in the fridge that I’m not sure what happened in there but is clean now, I decided I haven't written a blog post in a few days and want to, and even though it’s not Monday, somehow here on week six of these stay-at-home times the days are a little muddled together anyhow and a status update seems to be all I have mental energy for right now. So, here it is - a very Monday sort of post on this fine Tuesday.

Drinking….Constant Comment tea, my favorite.  My husband, my hero, my go-out-in-public-so-no-one-else-in-the-house-has-to sweetheart couldn’t find any at the store, shelves still being a tad sparse at times, so I ordered some from Amazon.  I now have plenty to last for the long haul, and I’m enjoying it. My sweet husband is retaining his awesome sense of humor in all of this.  I got this text before he came home from the store that night, “We apologize as we may have had to substitute a few items….”  Haha.  I’m still laughing from that.  Remember he’s always been so good about not taking things too seriously.  His favorite phrase when we were dating and early married was, “Lighten up, Beck.”  Hopefully I’ve gotten a little better through the years, as he hasn’t had to say that as often in recent years.  

Reading….Behold the King of Glory: A Narrative of the Life, Death, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ by Russ Ramsey. I am usually a little wary of books that make a narrative of scripture, but Tim Challies recommended this and several people I respect and trust endorsed it so I thought I’d try it.  I’m liking it so far - he does a good job with scripture references and adding historical details about the time period without too much iffy speculation, and I’m enjoying reading it. I’m also reading The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis with my daughter as we continue our journey together through The Chronicles of Narnia.  We’re having a great time reading them together, and I continually get choked up as I read them, no matter that I’ve read them uncountable times before. The end of The Silver Chair really gets to me when Caspian dies just as his son is reunited with him, then we get to see the other side in Aslan’s country.  And I’m planning to start The Secret of the Wild Wood by Tonke Dragt, which is the sequel to The Letter for the King pretty soon also.

Scripture Memory….since last post when I mentioned what I’m going to be working on, I have worked some on it, but I need to focus more intensely.  I’m working on Romans 8:37-39, and I have gotten up to Colossians 2:3.  Once I get that firmed up this week, my hope is to continue to the next set of verses, Colossians 2:4-7 next week.  

Feeling….a little distracted and still having a hard time sitting still to concentrate.  Granted, I’m getting a lot of reading done, but I find that I allow social media to drain away more of my time and mental and emotional energy than I should.  I’ve always struggled with that temptation, and it seems even harder now with all the general anxiety around us not to scroll, scroll, scroll looking for different news.  I will say, I have discovered what a good thing the snooze function on Facebook is.  You can snooze certain people for 30 days, and that allows you not to see their posts for that long but still remain connected.  If a friend is on a tear about some conspiracy theory….snooze. If a friend is constantly sharing all the anxiety riddled click bait….snooze.   If a friend is finding new and ever increasingly petty things to lecture us about and take offense about….snooze. If a friend is being the neighborhood police and lecturing us on why we need to be as anxious as they are….snooze. If a friend is constantly sharing scripture out of context and twisting it to share bad doctrine….snooze.  After a while, it’s not quite as anxious a place to visit anymore until the snooze wears off.  

Encouraged….my daughter and I have been taking long walks around the neighborhood together and it’s been a sweet time to talk with her and listen to what’s on her heart.  I just so much enjoy her.  Not only do I love her, I like her, too. Same with all my children.  They are just pleasant people to know, and how kind God has been to allow me to be their mom and redeem the mistakes and sin and flaws in my parenting as He has graciously drawn them to Himself. My daughter shared with me how during their Sunday night online youth meeting, the middle school youth director talked to them about not letting entertainment become an idol and how subtle a thing that can be.  He encouraged them to think about their habits and sources of entertainment and take one day this week and turn off one distracting source of entertainment, and every time they thought about turning it on or clicking on it to take time to pray.  I think maybe I need to do that with Facebook and Twitter - my two biggest time wasters. 

Thinking (get ready for a bit of a rant, and you may think I’m earning a, “lighten up, Beck”)….about something we saw on our walk today that disturbed me and I’m probably reading too much into.  Someone had written what I’m sure they meant to be encouraging messages in chalk on the sidewalk.  One said, “Trust in Jesus & in science & in the doctors and nurses.”  Um.  No.  I can’t read the heart of the person who wrote it, and I’ll assume the best, but part of me reads it as a criticism of people of Christian faith.  I will listen to the scientists and medical professionals and follow their educated advice, sure.  But for all that, science is fallible.  We’re seeing even in the six weeks this thing has been going strong here how often models and scientific data are revised and shift.  Sure, I will follow reasonable physical distancing and guidance and listen to advice, but trust in them?  Trust IN scientists and doctors and nurses? No.  To phrase it the way that message is phrased? No.  I think my problem was the word “in” and the implication that trusting in human wisdom is equal weight to trusting in Jesus.  To me, to say to trust in something implies putting the weight of my hope in that thing I trust in.  I can trust THAT what someone like a scientist or doctor says is as true as they’re able to be and helpful and worth listening to, but trusting IN them for my ultimate well-being?  No.  My trust in Jesus is ultimate.  Only He is sovereign.  He is the Creator, the very Word of God.  He alone is infallible.  He alone can save my soul.  And, get this, He alone can determine whether someone will contract this virus or anything else and what the effect will be.  We are not to be foolish and should listen to wise counsel and do our part to love others and protect where we can, but trust in science as I trust in Jesus?  Absolutely not.  I trust Him to grant wisdom to those who are studying this disease, and for those who are on the front lines to combat it and help those who are afflicted, and for our government officials who have very difficult decisions to make, whether they are trusting Him or not.  Ultimately all of life is under the Providence of God who cares for His creation and loves His people. THAT is what I put my trust IN. I’m probably asking too much from a sidewalk chalk message, but that was what struck me in my gut as I walked by, feeling kind of offended by what I’m sure was meant as an encouraging message, but felt more like one of those lectures I’m getting oh, so tired of hearing from people who seem to think we should all be living more in fear of this virus than in fear of the One who controls even this virus.  

Weight Loss Journey….and now for a lighter note, this is a new category for the status update, but I decided to use this stay-at-home time to try to lose some of the pesky pounds I’ve wanted to shed for quite some time now.  In addition to taking walks with my daughter, we got out the old Wii Fitness Plus and we’ve been having fun with that - not intensive exercise, of course, but fun. I did find it annoying today, though when my Fitbit app needed an update and required me to sign in and then proceeded to completely erase the over 5000 steps I got on my walk this morning.  Grrr. Anyway….. I’m also paying attention to what I eat and trying to make wiser choices, limiting sugar and lowering carbs and monitoring snacking.  So far I’m down 2.5 pounds.  Not much, but trending the right direction, and that was on a Monday morning after a weekend, so I’m encouraged.  

And that’s probably enough for today. Happy Tuesday!

Encouragement Today

It’s amazing how encouraging a video conference with friends from church can be during this time of isolation.  We had our Wednesday morning study together online today, and it’s so nice to hear their voices and see their faces.  We have been studying Romans 8, and it has proven to be just so very perfect for the times we find ourselves in right now.  

Our leader shared a video of John Piper reciting Romans 8, and I’m sharing it here because it’s just so powerful to hear scripture read this way, especially after several months of studying the passage first.  He speaks, not as one reading, but with the passion of a preacher, and it’s quite moving to hear it this way.  It's almost as if you're hearing Paul's passion as he wrote it. I was in tears by the end of it.  Often I find that reading scripture out loud helps me to grasp it better, but this is even beyond that.  It encourages me to get back to working on my memorization of Colossians. I remember when I was working to memorize Philippians how alive the words became as I was able to recite them out loud more as one speaking the full message of the passage rather than reading individual verses by themselves.  So, take a listen to this and be encouraged! 

After my last post when I shared the struggle I’m having with the edge of that depression pit, I am reminded once again how diligent we must be to remind ourselves of what is true when the darkness rages around us. We also talked about this today, how the beginning and ending of Romans 8 have the phrase, “in Christ,” and how incredibly significant that is regarding the teaching those verses bookend. It is only in Christ that the rest of the promises are true.  He is everything.  Because of who He is, we have hope, real, true, abiding hope that transcends any anxiety or depression the world may present to us. We discussed how we can intentionally remind ourselves every day that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus and live in that light.  One or our members shared how she memorized the books of the Bible as a child and she will go through each one and remember a verse or truth from that book.  I was reminded of this song which has been meaningful to me for a long time.  Take a listen to this and, again, be encouraged! Joy!

I’m thankful, once again, for the technology that’s allowing us to not be quite so isolated during this time of physical isolation, and I’m incredibly thankful for the way we are able to read and study and discuss together God’s Word to stir each other up to encouragement and good works.  As I shared in an earlier post, our longing to be together again is just a glimpse of our greater longing for the day when Jesus gathers us together when He returns.  But for now, how sweet that He places the lonely in families - the Body of Christ, our fellow believers, is a family and what an encouragement we can be for each other when we invest in each others’ lives, care about and for each other, and remind each other of the truths we learn and the hope we share in our loving, saving God as we study His word together.  What an awesome God He is.  

Finding Solace in the Psalms

I hit a bit of a wall this morning and admitted that I’m more depressed by the stay-at-home/quarantine situation than I realized. I’ve been trying to be positive in my posting for the most part, but this morning, I cried. I'm feeling not at all convinced we as a society are handling this situation exactly right, and I find it difficult to know what to believe from the bits of news media I allow myself to read (and I try to listen to different providers and find balance in the stories), not to mention all the click bait that gets posted on Facebook, but that is all I'm going to say about that, and I'm not willing to argue or discuss with anyone about it, either. I do know my post about the monsters is more and more accurate every day.  Seeing neighbors tattling on neighbors for interacting with others safely but not being quite as anxious as they think we should be is depressing. It is distressing how nervous I am about how some of these neighbors are going to act whenever we finally get the official notice that we are allowed to be social again and some of us try to return to some semblance of normal out there. 

One thing I'm a little concerned about is my own tendency to be a hermit.  What I mean is that I actually prefer being home and reading my books and I often have to force myself out of my turtling ways to be social, even though I am always so incredibly glad I did. This social isolation thing we're having to do right now is not a good thing for me, emotionally.  I find myself falling back into thinking too internally and not outwardly enough again. We were just starting to feel like we were getting to know people after the loneliness of moving to a new place and now we're all sheltering in place at home, isolated. And with my natural tendency toward inertia, I really hope once we are released to go back to being able to socialize again, that I don't find it even harder to push out of my hermitage than usual just by the inertia of having been out of the habit of getting out for so long. I miss people so much more than I thought possible, though.  I think once we're allowed to be with people again, it won't be so hard after all.  I'm so looking forward to being able to get to gather with the church and choir practice again.  May I never again complain about how hard it is to push past my introversion to go out. 

I saw a story today about a Texas band director who made a way to visit, safely, his senior students one last time and it made me cry. I think about the seniors who had to forfeit the best part of senior year, some without the closure of knowing they were saying good-bye to their friends for the last time.  We got an email last week from my daughter’s band director letting us know, officially, what we already knew, unofficially, that all scheduled band events for the rest of the year are cancelled. No spring concert, no solo and ensemble festival, no trip to King’s Dominion, no getting to say good-bye to friends, and summer band camp is a big fat “we just don’t know for now.” I know, first world problems, but it is worth mourning, even so. 

Our church did a beautiful job with our online Easter service - to include a virtual performance by the orchestra - all in little screenshots playing their instruments individually from their homes and recorded videos of the choir and orchestra from past Easter services which all brought me to tears thinking, “The darkness can NOT overcome the light. Jesus is alive!” And our pastor’s message about Yahweh is the Good Shepherd was extremely encouraging. How thankful I am that we at least get to have that ability for our pastors and elders to feed the flock, though in no way is it the same as being together.  I miss my church family. 

I think I hit the wall today, though, because after all that I just shared, it just hit me so hard that due to our move last summer and living so far away and life being what it has been, I have not been able to see my parents in almost two years.  Last week we were supposed to go to Florida to visit them and I had been so looking forward to that, but then all this awfulness happened and we had to cancel our trip.  We do have it tentatively rescheduled for late summer, but there are no guarantees we will be free to go even then. Y’all.  Two years is too long. I miss them.  Talking on the phone is great, but being with them is better. So, forgive my raw honesty and my tears. 

BUT, choosing not to dwell in depression, and choosing to fight for joy, I pulled out my Bible and looked to the Psalms for solace. God allowed me to land on Psalm 40.  What a balm for my soul. As I read it, I felt the depression melting a little and a calm peace settle in my heart. I’ll quote it at the end and sign off for today. It doesn’t ultimately matter whether we are overreacting or not. That is not my call or responsibility to decide. It doesn’t matter what’s fueling the anxiety we sense all around us. No matter what circumstances are raging, no matter what depression fights for my heart and emotions, no matter how convinced I am or not by the restrictions we are living under, no matter what, nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. This is truth. I do not have to spiral into the anxiety of everyone around me.  Jesus is Lord.  Here I stake my life. Jesus is Lord, and He is the Good Shepherd and He loves His sheep.  And praise HIs name, I am one of those sheep.  Thank You, Jesus.

Psalm 40 

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

1

I waited patiently for the Lord;

    he inclined to me and heard my cry.

2 

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

    out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

    making my steps secure.

3 

He put a new song in my mouth,

    a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

    and put their trust in the Lord.

4 

Blessed is the man who makes

    the Lord his trust,

who does not turn to the proud,

    to those who go astray after a lie!

5 

You have multiplied, O Lord my God,

    your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;

    none can compare with you!

I will proclaim and tell of them,

    yet they are more than can be told.

6 

In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,

    but you have given me an open ear.

Burnt offering and sin offering

    you have not required.

7 

Then I said, “Behold, I have come;

    in the scroll of the book it is written of me:

8 

I delight to do your will, O my God;

    your law is within my heart.”

9 

I have told the glad news of deliverance

    in the great congregation;

behold, I have not restrained my lips,

    as you know, O Lord.

10 

I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;

    I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;

I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness

    from the great congregation.

11 

As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain

    your mercy from me;

your steadfast love and your faithfulness will

    ever preserve me!

12 

For evils have encompassed me

    beyond number;

my iniquities have overtaken me,

    and I cannot see;

they are more than the hairs of my head;

    my heart fails me.

13 

Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!

    O Lord, make haste to help me!

14 

Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether

    who seek to snatch away my life;

let those be turned back and brought to dishonor

    who delight in my hurt!

15 

Let those be appalled because of their shame

    who say to me, “Aha, Aha!”

16 

But may all who seek you

    rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation

    say continually, “Great is the Lord!”

17 

As for me, I am poor and needy,

    but the Lord takes thought for me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

    do not delay, O my God!