Time is Weird, Sing for Joy

I was on my way home from dropping my daughter off at high school the other day and I saw a sign advertising for a local flag football team.  Out of the blue tears threatened and I thought, “We don’t have anyone in our house that can apply to anymore, and we haven’t for a while now.”  Here’s the weird part, do I want right now to be running kids around to flag football, upward basketball, and all the other stuff we were busy doing when they were little? Not really. But sometimes I am hit with a kind of wistfulness that we are past having kids that age now. 

Time is so weird. When I started this blog, my youngest was not even a year old. That little one is the 15-year-old high school student I was dropping off the other day, and her brothers are basically mostly out of the nest, away at college, the oldest just starting grad school this semester. In some ways the me I was when, with trepidation and trembling fingers, I hit “post” on that very first tentative venture into the great unknown of sharing my thoughts from my little corner of the internet and I started this blog seems a lifetime ago - so much growing, maturing, and so many moves and packings and unpackings and joys and sorrows and more great unknowns and just living were still ahead of us then. And even blogging was a whole different thing back then. The lonely mom with three busy littles at home needed that little blog community we had back in the day. That kind of blogging doesn’t really exist anymore, and sometimes I miss it a little.  

This song came on my play list yesterday and it took me back to when my middle boy was about 4 years old and he would sing this thing with joy while strapped in his carseat in the back of the minivan. I would be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I miss that little guy singing in the back of the minivan. One of the weird things about time is that when I get these wistful feelings I can sometimes spiral into wondering, did I make the most of those years? Did I enjoy them enough? Was I too serious about things I should have been able to laugh about more? Did I do all I should have done to train up my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? But those wistful moments don’t last long. They don’t last long because I look at the young man that little guy has become and the young man his older brother has become and the sweet young lady their little sister is becoming, and I realize that these precious people have moved from being my littles who I got to raise to being friends I get to enjoy and to enjoy watching them spread their wings and shine, and I’m thankful.  So incredibly thankful.

Time is weird because in some ways it goes so slowly when we are in the moments, but when we look back it almost takes our breath away to see where we’ve come and how quickly it seems to have gotten here, and how different we are today from yesterday. I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that this little blog has existed on this little corner of the web for 15 years. I really can’t even wrap my head around how fast those 15 years seem to have gone. And I can't really wrap my head around how different I am from the me I was in those yesterday years. The days are long, but the years are swift. 

As I’m thinking about these things, I am also remembering a dear friend who went home to be with the Lord this week. She was one of the most joy-filled people I’ve ever known.  She loved Jesus so deeply, and she took her walk with Him very seriously, and man, she knew how to live.  She just overflowed with the fragrance of Christ and she lived and loved and laughed so well.  I want to remember my friend and I want to be more like her. 

I heard a sermon several years ago that very much has stuck with me, from Ecclesiastes talking about how we can enjoy the portion God has given us. My friend did that so well. 

When I was younger, I struggled a lot with some not great teaching from certain Christian circles about how we need to do big things for God, do more, try harder, do better. I wasted much time worrying about missing my calling and that I didn’t know what big thing I was supposed to be doing and I felt so much pressure about that.  Then one day I realized, my big thing was right here, raising my littles, being the wife my husband needed, taking care of our home so he was freed to do the things he needed to do to take care of us, and I realized, the big thing I need to be doing is to honor God in all I do, to live full out for Jesus right where He has planted me. As I look at my kids who aren’t littles anymore and who have become treasured friends, I realize this is has been, and still is, a good portion. 

So, as I’m thinking about the weirdness of time and that weird wistfulness I feel sometimes, I’m reminded again of the joy of knowing that I can find joy and glorify God with the portion He has given me today. I can live this life with joy and fullness, loving Jesus every step of the way, and in every season and twist and turn of life. What abundance His joy and grace and new mercies are every single day.  And I’m so very thankful. 

Music and Prayer

 

Sometimes I find myself struggling to focus my thoughts and settle down enough to really pray. Often in our Wednesday small group Bible study we will end the study by singing a hymn together, so today I thought, why not try singing to get my heart tuned to pray this morning? 

Recently our church produced a hymnal just for our congregation, full of old and new hymns that our congregation use for worship.  It's divided into four sections: Call to Worship, Confession, Christ, and Gospel Response.  This morning I took one from each section and sang through them and between that and my morning Bible reading I found it a refreshing way to spur me on to pray richly. 

I was struck this morning by how many of our hymns point us toward the fact that death has lost its victory and sting, how many of them talk about how life will not end our song, we will get to sing for eternity, singing forevermore. That, my friends, was a beautiful thought, especially as I'm missing my mother but finding joy in thinking about the fact that she's getting to hear the music of Heaven now. 

There is something deeply powerful about music, don't you think? It moves us on a level much deeper than merely our intellect, but down in the depths of us. When coupled with beautiful words that point us toward Christ and are full of biblical truth, there is something truly mysterious and wonderful about music.  

When I think about beauty, I am mindful of just how beautiful our God is.  He could have given us a world that was merely functional, but he didn't stop at that.  He made a world that is gloriously beautiful, full of light, and brilliance, and color, and music, that help us to contemplate the immense greatness of the God who would create such beauty. And all the beauty we behold is shadow, seen through a glass dimly for now.  Imagine the beauty of the new heaven and new earth and the music that will be there. I don't think we can even comprehend it….yet. 

So, today I'm thankful for rich hymns. Even sung alone, a cappella, they drew my attention to my Savior and helped me to pray, at a time when I'm feeling so mentally scattered. What a gift music is, and what a gift godly hymn writers have been to the Church through the ages. God is abundantly good to His people. 

Long Days, Short Years

 When I started this blog in 2006, I had three littles running around, our youngest not even a year old yet.  Back in those early days of blogging I wrote more about my kids, but as they grew older, I wrote about them less and less, beginning to come to understand that the older they grew, the more their stories weren't mine to tell on my blog. The focus of the blog, such as it is, changed over the years.  Back when blogging was a new thing, we formed little communities of similar interests and we shared each others' posts and encouraged each other, 'meeting' people in our blogging communities we might never have otherwise known.  Sometimes I kind of miss those days, but you really can't "go home again." Things changed, we changed, the world changed, our kids grew up, the nature of blogging drifted into more of developing your brand and specific focuses rather than the lonely musings of Christian moms seeking community and connection, we drifted away to more personal social media platforms or left the blogging world all together and let the younger, hipper, more brand-conscious influencers have at it. 

I've kept my little blog-journal open through the years, not because I think anyone is still reading, and not that I even want to build that kind of platform anymore, but because I still find it a useful place to hash out thoughts, and share them, just not as often, and not for nearly as many people - if anyone besides my parents and a few Facebook friends even see it anymore.  That's been freeing, too. No pressure to post often, and now it's mostly a place for me to keep track of what I'm reading. The downside is that with the change in the way we blog, I've also dropped off from making very interesting content, hardly ever. 

Anyway, the thing I got to thinking about today is that in a few days one of those children who was little when I started this blog, what doesn't feel all that long ago, but when you look at the dates is longer ago than I can wrap my head around, is turning 20. As of Friday, I will have two who are no longer teenagers.

That little cliche you hear all the time has truth to it: The days are long, but the years are short. Back when I was a lonely stay-home mom starting this blog, there were plenty of days I couldn't imagine anything other than those long days, and I even got a little bit irritated with people who constantly said things like, "Enjoy every day, every moment, they just go so fast." I knew that was true, but it felt burdensome to be constantly asking, "Am I really enjoying this moment as much as I should? Will I regret that I didn't do more?" And yes, there are things I regret.  There are many more things I'm thankful for, though. I've learned through the years not to beat myself up about wondering if I'm making the most of every little thing, and just learning to live and to love Jesus and know Him more, whatever comes that day. And most of all, I'm thankful for the grace God has lavished on our life as I look back and see how He guided me through all those long days and short years. 

I can honestly say that I've enjoyed my kids, all along the way. And I really and truly enjoy them immensely today, now that two of them are adults and the youngest is quickly catching up to them. I may look back and lose my breath at how quickly these years have slipped away, but I will never say they weren't full. And what a blessing it is to have children who are growing into really cool adults, who are just plain fun to talk to now. 

I've shared this song before, but I just love it. I think of it whenever I think of my boys who are no longer my littles, but who have grown to be my friends. 

God has been so very kind, and I am grateful. 

Epic

 I can’t believe I will be turning 50 in a few months.  That just doesn’t seem real. I don’t feel like an almost 50-year-old. In my head I think I sort of stopped aging at around 30-35 or so, so it’s surreal to all of a sudden think about attaching the number 50 to myself. I’m not upset about it, mind you, I’m just trying to explain how weird it is to think of myself as middle aged. Whoa.  I should not have typed that.  That is too weird. Side note: we've been watching Cobra Kai on Netflix, and it is so weird seeing these guys who were total teen heartthrobs when I was a teenager looking like middle aged men. We like the show for the most part, and they've definitely aged well, but still. This is what I'm saying.  Ok. This isn’t what I meant to be writing about in this post at all. Moving on. 

So, with being in the last few months of my 40’s, I’ve realized that strange things are going on with my metabolism.  I’ve always been a little sluggish there, but I’m finding lately that losing weight is way more difficult than it used to be.  Like almost impossible.  It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or what I eat or don’t eat, it just doesn’t budge much.  However, I’m trying to rethink how I look at this.  It’s not really the number on the scale I need to worry about, it’s healthy choices and lifestyle I need to aim for. So, I’m trying to make healthier choices and get into better shape.  A few months ago, when I realized I probably wouldn’t keep walking as much as I should when the weather was bad or turned colder, we bought an elliptical for the basement.  I’ve been using it, trying to be more regular about it. Also, I’ve started doing the 16:8 goal for intermittent fasting most days of the week.  What I like about it is it has effectively made us more aware of the bad habit of evening snacking that we’d slipped into, and with this app I’m using, I basically tell it to start my fast not too long after dinner - no later than 7:30 pm, but earlier most days - and then I don’t end the fast until at least 11:30am the next day, pretty much nixing evening snacks and that oh, so tempting bowl of ice cream while we watch TV. This isn’t for everyone, I know, but it’s working for me. The key, however, is not to overdo it during the time you can eat - that defeats the purpose.

Anyway, with all that, I’ve been a little discouraged that the weight isn’t just melting off, but I have noticed some subtle changes, even if my scale isn’t budging much yet. I have started feeling a lot better, more energy, somewhat, and I’m looking forward to the day when my clothes really feel like they're fitting better, knees and joints feel a bit better, and, hopefully, the scale will move the correct direction, too. 

And now to get to the point I meant to be writing about when I started this post.  I find the elliptical to be a great source of cardiovascular exercise, but, frankly, it’s boring down there in the basement.  For a while, I would listen to podcasts, which are quite entertaining when I take walks outside, but for some reason in the basement on the elliptical, they seem less engaging and I’m watching that timer and it’s super slow going. So, I’ve been looking for something else.  And, y’all, I found it.  

Here’s where I share my nerdliness with you. My daughter and I often find ourselves bonding over certain pieces of music when they come on the playlist. I’m talking epic movie music, for lack of a better way of describing it.  When we’re in the kitchen together making dinner and The Chronicles of Narnia music, the Theme from Jurassic Park, music from The Lion King, the Halo theme (yeah, I know, it’s a video game, not a movie, work with me here), or ANYTHING from The Greatest Showman comes on, we geek out and have a music moment together.  So, I was looking for something like that to pump up my workout playlist, and I remembered a friend when we lived in San Antonio had mentioned a group her girls were enjoying. She was so funny, too, when she told me you have to kind of ignore that the name of the group is Two Steps From Hell, which she almost didn’t even want to say, but the music is like movie music and it’s really good. And I get that, it feels weird linking to a band with that name. When you look them up, they've written trailer music for a whole bunch of movies and video games you have probably heard of.  

Anyway, I looked them up and found some of their most popular downloads and I LOVE this music.  We were joking yesterday when I was listening to some of it in the kitchen after dinner. My husband said, “Man even washing dishes is epic when you’ve got that in the background.” Haha.  Truth.  Have you ever thought you’d like to have a movie soundtrack for your life? This stuff would be good.  

So, today I made myself a new playlist and called it “Epic” after I worked out this morning and listened to some of my new music.  What I’ve found works for me is to cover up the timer on the elliptical with a towel so I’m not tempted to look at it, pump up the volume with some good music and before you know it, I’ve done a pretty decent workout and enjoyed it, too. I started with the Epic music and ended with some Worship music at the end and I think I’ve found the push-through-it formula for doing something I have traditionally hated to do. 

Ok. That’s it for this post.  No serious thoughts today, just writing to keep the blog alive.

Here’s a sample of my new find: 

Happy Friday!

Don't Be the Monster

An episode of The Twilight Zone that originally ran on March 4, 1960 was called “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street.” If you haven’t seen it, this is an edited look that gives the basic idea of it. Youtube isn't cooperating this morning for me to get the embed link, but you can click here to see it. 

Basically, strange things like the power going out, for example, start happening on Maple Street, and at first the neighbors are talking together about it and wondering what’s happening.  One neighbor decides to go over a few blocks and see if the power is out in other parts of the neighborhood, while other neighbors start listening to conspiracy theories about a more sinister reason the strange things are happening - maybe it’s aliens that look like us who have infiltrated and are coming to do more harm. One neighbor attempts to be a voice of calm and reason  and eventually decides to go into town to see if he can find out what’s going on. Meanwhile the neighbors continue to spin up their worry and look upon certain neighbors with suspicion. The question becomes, who can you really trust? They begin turning on each other en masse as the mob mentality begins to take over when people voice their various suspicions.  The voice of reason man returns, and the neighbors now suspect him. Eventually the episode ends in tragedy when, now that it is becoming dark, they see a lone figure walking slowly up the street and in panic one neighbor shoots.  It turns out it was just the neighbor who had decided to walk a few blocks away to investigate.  At the end, the actual aliens who have been turning the lights on and off discuss how easy it is to generate the mob mentality and turn people on each other.  They don’t even have to conquer, just sit back and watch them destroy themselves. The point is, who, exactly were the monsters here?

I’m bringing that up today because I have found that the more I read comment threads on the NextDoor app, the more I think about this episode.  Especially now that we find ourselves in this unusual crisis, I’m feeling this when I make the mistake of following the rabbit hole in the comment threads. I don’t know what your neighborhood is like on that app, but the two I’ve been part of now have both seemed to draw out the kind of people who seem bent to assume the absolute worst rather than assume the best.  The worry-warts come out in droves and peddle panicky posts and theories. If they ever see someone in the area doing something that doesn’t fit their understanding of things, they post about it and shame strangers all over the comment threads.  Never, ever give someone the benefit of the doubt that they might have a truly valid reason for what they are doing that you don't understand, or might have made a simple mistake while driving, or had a bad day, or been swamped with work and couldn’t mow the lawn as soon as the neighbor thinks they should have. Nope. They are portrayed as idiots who we have every right to shame all over social media.  It’s so easy to see a snippet of a moment of someone’s life and assume the worst rather than try to put the best construction on it.  It’s so easy to assume motives, but, truly you DO NOT KNOW what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you! Just because people don’t think exactly like you or do things exactly like you does not mean they are bad people.  They might just be different. They might be having a difficult day.  You DO NOT KNOW.  Everyone makes mistakes - even the people who write those shaming posts.  How about we treat each other with the same gentleness we would like to be treated with when we mess up - and we will mess up.  Everyone has a bad day, and everyone makes mistakes, no matter how careful we try to be. Would you want to be judged all over social media based on a bad moment you had which isn’t a true picture of who you are all time? 

And then you get the comment threads.  Oh my.  People pile on with judgment and assumptions and vilification that makes me cringe and hurts my heart.  

When I watch all that go down, on almost a daily basis, it makes me sick to my stomach.  We are all just one crisis away from what we see on that Twilight Zone episode.  I truly do hope that not ALL of us are as easily triggered, this lacking in understanding, gentleness, and grace as what the NextDoor app dredges up.  Maybe it’s just a small portion of people who feel the need to get on there and vent against any and every grievance or quirk or perceived gripe and the rest of us more rational people choose to stay away.  I hope there are more of us like the voice of reason guy on that episode.  Truly, I do.  But looking at that app on any given day, I do feel like I’ve dropped into Maple Street on The Twilight Zone.  So much so, that I have to severely limit my exposure to it.  Once in a while there is good information, but the bulk of it - we act like the monsters of Maple Street, so easily spun up, so quick to think the worst of our neighbors and people who are just trying to live their lives, so quick to be suspicious and griping , so quick to make sure we point out when someone does something we perceive as wrong, rather than extend the grace of trying to put the best construction on things and assume the best as long as we possibly can.  Nope.  We are inherently selfish and thinking much too highly of ourselves.  

The point isn't that there was no danger.  There apparently was someone manipulating things.  The point here isn't that there isn't an actual crisis that we need to be aware of and taking reasonable precautions about.  The point is how quickly we seem to degenerate into mistrusting each other and being quick to assume the worst of others and quick to go from caring about and helping our neighbors to worrying about how to protect me and mine and mistrust our neighbors and turn on people because we assume the worst and how easily we can allow ourselves to get spun up and feed off of other people's anxiety. 

Don’t be the monster.  Be the voice of reason and calm.  Assume the best and don’t let yourself get spun up by everyone else’s paranoia and anxiety.  Take reasonable measures to be safe and love your neighbors and stop assuming that others don’t actually want to do the same.  

Status Update - Monday, March 30, 2020

Sitting…..in my den again, but this time in a different part of the room from the last time I wrote because in a fit of annoyance with how piled up and cluttered this room looks, especially since we are stuck at home all day every day and I can’t help noticing it, we rearranged the furniture this morning.  I like this arrangement much better.  So, while it doesn’t really alleviate cabin fever, the flow of the room is much nicer and I’m wondering why we didn’t do this sooner.

Drinking…..hot cardamom tea which one of my college boys brought home this weekend.  Which brings me to the next point.

Thankful….both of our college boys made it home safely after they drove two days to get home from Texas Tech, which is finishing the semester via online classes and had closed the dorms, which meant younger son had to be out by last Friday.  While I don’t like why we have to be locked down and staying in our homes, I’m choosing to be thankful we get extra time with our boys home that we weren’t expecting.  We’re enjoying together time and we’re also choosing to enjoy the slower pace this enforced rest is bringing us to. We set up tables and chairs in each of their rooms for a quiet workspace where they can call in and do their online classes and not have us all up in their business all the time.  This whole new normal is going to take some getting used to, but I am glad to have all of my family home again. 

Reading…..The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek, and enjoying it.  I just finished Mrs. Sherlock Holmes, described as the true story of New York City’s greatest female detective and the 1917 missing girl case that a captivated a nation. This one was interesting, but I did find the writing a little confusing sometimes. I’d have liked it just a bit tighter, but overall a good book and interesting person to read about.  Another benefit of having to stay home during this pandemic is that we have lots of time to read.  And it seems like forever ago since I wrote my last status update, not just a week, because I remember I was reading The Grapes of Wrath when I wrote last Monday, and yet it seems longer ago than that since I finished it. Which leads to the next point.

Feeling….like the days are sort of meshing all together.  I have to keep on reminding myself what day it is.  It’s not like when things are normal my life looks terrifically different since I’m home most of the time, but it is weird having my daughter home all day and my husband working from home most days, only going in to the office when absolutely necessary. It does help that we have several Zoom appointments during the week now, to help keep the days straight.  To illustrate the weirdness of all this, I had never even heard of Zoom before all this happened, and now it’s becoming a bit of a lifeline to the rest of my world.  My daughter’s small group from church gets together on Zoom on Wednesday evenings, my ladies Bible study meets on Wednesday mornings, daughter’s larger youth group and middle school Awana group have meetings on Sunday evening, and soon, eventually, so we keep being assured, online classes will start for her middle school as well. I was a little skeptical at first about how well our Bible study would work online, but, wow it was such a blessing last Wednesday when we had our first meeting in that format. It’s not nearly as nice as meeting in person, but it was so much better than having to cancel.  

Thinking….about many things, as my rambling on the earlier points surely demonstrates, and maybe that means more blog posts will be coming in the near future.  I hope so.  Right now, for a short thought, I’m thinking how we as Christians have hope that is deep and real even when the world around us is drowning in anxiety.  My daughter and I were drawing on our sidewalk with chalk yesterday, and just in the short time we were out, we said hello and smiled at more neighbors than we have the whole time we’ve lived here, because, as  we’ve been noticing, with all of us being confined to our homes and as many as possible working from home, people are taking the time to get out and walk, safe distance, and smile at neighbors. That’s something I would not mind becoming a permanent change.  And while we offer our smiles, I hope we can be more intentional about voicing the reason for the hope we have within us. This is something I have not been very good about, but I want to be much more open. 

Happy Monday, everyone.

Social Distancing and Social Media

I have to admit that in this temporary new normal of ‘social distancing,’ my daily life here since we’ve recently moved to a new state doesn’t actually look terrifically different.  I’m prone to hermit-like tendencies anyhow, and I really have to fight against them, especially right after a move when it just takes so long to finally feel like this is home. And I actually like having my family home during the day, and find all those memes complaining about having the kids home to be pretty sad. So, honestly, being told I can’t go out and be social at first feels kind of ok. That’s on the surface. Deeper down, I’m feeling a little blue and having a hard time concentrating. 

As I mentioned many months ago in my piece on social media wisdom, we are embodied people.  We need other people.  We are social beings, by the design of our Creator. Even those of us who are more introverted by nature NEED other people. We need to not be isolated for extended periods. When we learned that for the foreseeable future we will not be able to meet together, in person, with our church, this feels so wrong and sad and depressing.  Sundays, and my Wednesday morning Bible study, and Wednesday evening choir practice some weeks might be the only meaningful, rich contact I get to have with anyone outside my immediate family.  I’m still finding my way here, and I really need those connections.  We obey this temporary disruption because of love for our neighbors and respect for our government and seeing the wisdom of ‘flattening the curve,’ but it hurts.  It’s lonely.  And meeting via live stream just is not the same.  It is flat and cold and distant.  But, at a time like this, it is so much better than nothing and I’m so thankful for the labor of love going into making it happen. 

However, all that said, I’m thankful we have the technology to at least meet through live stream, and emails, and Zoom meetings.  Imagine how lonely it would be with no contact at all.  I’m thankful for our pastors and leaders who are lovingly reaching out in all the ways they can to check in with the flock and keep us informed.  (My church is doing a much better job of this than the local school system at the moment, by the way.  But I won’t digress with that gripe here.)

In thinking of our social nature and how much more fulfilling it is to meet face-to-face and in person, I’m seeing so much benefit and, yet, at the same time, so much that is just not good about social media.  Just yesterday, my daughter had a video chat with several friends from our former church in Texas who called her, and that was so refreshing for her to hear from her dear friends in that way. In times like this when we can’t be together out of love for our neighbor and wanting to promote the well-being of others, it’s kind of a life line to be able to text, call, Facebook, and connect with others through social media. There is much that is encouraging and full of truth being shared.  I’m encouraged with how much good Bible teaching is being shared as all of our churches are by necessity needing to share more online content. And I have to say, some of y’all are just flat out, laugh-out-loud funny with the memes going around that help us not to take ourselves so seriously. But as much good as there is, it seems like the bad gets amplified, as well.  SO much misinformation, conspiracy craziness, dangerous lack of understanding, and flat out anxiety is spread through these formats.  And Twitter, oh wowza, what a dumpster fire that can be sometimes.  People seem to be so quick to assume the worst and wow, the comment threads - it is not a medium geared towards constructive discussion, and it shows. Same with the NextDoor app - it can be incredibly toxic and disturbing to realize how angry and quick to assume the worst many of your neighbors are. I am much less paranoid when I stay away from reading too many posts and threads there. I also find that since I’m home with no where to go, it’s far too easy to fall into the rabbit hole and scroll, scroll, scroll, reading things over and over and becoming frustrated and anxious. 

Do yourself a favor.  Set a limit on when/how much social media and news watching is helpful for you, then put it away.  Fill your mind with whatever things are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise.  Take time to meditate on God's word.  Read good books. Find a new hobby or enjoy an old one.  Take a walk outside and enjoy the fresh air and the birds and the beautiful blooming things (even if it means your allergies kick in). Enjoy this unexpected quality time with your family and enforced period of unexpected rest and thank God for His mercy and grace, His sovereignty over all things.  He is good and He is in control.  

Anyway, all that to say, let’s use this unprecedented time of uncertainty to leverage social media for good.  Be a truthteller.  Check your sources before you share things.  When you share information - don’t be an alarmist, try to be helpful.  Be an encourager, share things that are truthful and uplift. Be kind in your comments, and try to assume the best when other people react to this strangest of times differently.  And take healthy breaks away from it, too.

And in trying to get out of my slump and difficulty concentrating, I hope to use this forced time of rest and downtime to try to blog a little more frequently. That’s not a promise, but I do intend to try. 

Lost Things

The thing about moving every 3-4 years is that there are hidden griefs beyond the obvious ones. Obviously, we grieve when we spend the first part of a move grieving the loss of friends and familiarity from the previous place we lived and trying to find our place in our new home. Then, just about the time we’ve established good friends and found our way around and it has begun to feel like home, it’s time to move again, and we go through that whole grief process again. Then when you get to the new place, you have to push on and jump in and meet new people, because you don't want to walk around bleeding the hidden grief all over the new people, you have to move on and be present here and make this place home and embrace all the good things and great people you get to know here. 

I’m going to be a little raw and admit that I am still struggling with this move.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m older this time and my kids are older and we’re kind of on the way toward being almost empty nesters, or what, but I am fighting like you wouldn’t believe against a gray depression and lack of motivation to really jump in and get to know people here. I’m doing it - I’ve joined the church choir, I’ve been to my first middle school band boosters meeting and I’m planning to sign up to help with an upcoming band event soon, and we are looking into joining the church as soon as we can.  But, with leaving both boys behind at college in Texas, I’m struggling a bit with the beginnings of the empty next on top of having to start all over again in a new place, after leaving a place we weren’t ready to leave.  I have to admit, I’m having a hard time with my emotions this time.  

What brings this up today in a fresh way is that I’m dealing with one of those hidden griefs of moving as often as we do - that fresh knife-cut wound when you realize something else that had a lot of sentimental value that should have been here, somehow isn’t here.  As we finish going through the last of the boxes and realize, “Hey, I haven’t seen……” and we go looking and can’t find that thing. There have been several things like that this time.  We know for sure that our University of Florida diplomas and some precious art work and photos that were packed with them are not here, and we have a claim and a plea with the moving company that stored our stuff to please find those boxes. They aren’t worth any money that the company could pay us, really, but they are full of irreplaceable sentimental value, and there's a catch in my throat every time I consider we may never get some of them back.  And today, as we’ve been going through the last of the bookshelf boxes, it seems that my “Omnibus” magazines - the creative writing magazine from high school where I was on staff - seem to be missing also.  My husband says we will find them.  I’m feeling less sure than he is, but I appreciate his understanding of my tears.

I know that this is just ‘stuff.’ I know that in the grand scheme of things, these are not really important things. But, today, right now, it’s one more opening of the wound of the grief of moving again.  This move has absolutely been the hardest one we’ve done yet.

BUT, I will still sing, and I will still praise, because through it ALL, I know that God is good and He has placed us here at this time for His purpose.  In some ways it’s been a great move.  My daughter has had the smoothest transition she’s ever had with a move, and has already made some good friends at school and at church - people who are truly glad to see her when she comes down the hall. That is priceless. And just living here, in this particular place, we see all kinds of opportunities, especially for one of our sons - because of some connections we’ve made here, he will be getting an awesome scholarship and we can foresee some wonderful internship possibilities.  And we have found a great church, where we know that in time will feel just as much like home as any other church we’ve been members of, because these are fellow believers who love Jesus, just as we do.  I love the choir already, and we’ve been invited by some sweet people in our Sunday school class to an informal fellowship tonight.  God is so good, and He always, always provides abundantly for His people.  I know that as I keep my eyes on Him, He never changes and I am His. He will heal my broken heart, and help me to let go of things that should not hold my heart too tightly, even when I feel that renewed cut at the realization of one more lost thing, and for that I’m thankful.  

Isaiah 26:3-4

"You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever,

for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock."

Psalm 34:1

"I will bless the LORD at all times;

his praise shall continually be in my mouth."

Psalm 34:18

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit." 

"Away for the Day"

2 Timothy 2:23 

“Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.”

2 Timothy 3: 1-5 

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.  Avoid such people.”

I’ve been reading 2 Timothy the past couple of mornings and these passages stuck out to me today.  To me, they pretty well describe much of what I see on Twitter - especially, “Christian” Twitter, to be brutally honest.  It seems like lately Twitter is becoming a more and more toxic place to hang out. “News” stories are posted as fact before all the facts are in, meaning that the original story often is NOT the true reading of what has happened, but by the time the retractions are printed, it is a bit too late - the first, misleading impression is already planted firmly in people's heads. There is a lot of incivility in interactions, too. So much arguing over things that are better not argued in the Twitter or Facebook space, because it’s really not designed for reasoned arguments. Anyway, most of the heated debates I see do not seem to be all that edifying, and are usually more unhelpful than anything. I know I’m being vague, but I don’t need to throw out specifics here.  If you’re on Twitter and Facebook at all, you’ve seen these kinds of things. And the conspiracy theories on various and sundry topics, oh dear.  Wowza. Not a wise use of time or mental energy.

I find that I’ve been, once again, spending more time on Twitter and Facebook than is probably helpful, and reading 2 Timothy today, with the warning - “Avoid such people,” I got to thinking it’s time to take a breather. 

My daughter’s middle school has adopted a policy this year that they call, “Away for the Day.” Basically they have asked all the students to either leave their cell phones at home or at least turn them off and put them in their backpacks and lockers during the school day. I’m thinking that may be a wise course of action for me, too. So, I’m thinking that after I post this, I could very much benefit from an “Away for the Day” policy regarding my use of social media. Just today I’ve already seen a difference in my attitude, as time I would have spent scrolling through Twitter this morning I actually spent reading a book that is ministering to my soul, and spent some time in prayer that was desperately needed, and wrote this blog post, something I'd like to do more often - write blog posts, hopefully thoughtful ones, that is.  

So, I’m thinking “Away for the Day” will be a good thing to try for a while. And maybe, just maybe, I may need to clean out some of the voices I follow on social media and ‘avoid such people.’ I’ve already started purging my Twitter feed a bit.  

Happy Wednesday!

Remembering the Impact of a Kind Teacher

I’ve recently joined a Facebook group made up of people who went to my high school in the ’80’s and ’90’s. It has been fun to reconnect with old schoolmates and remember some things I hadn’t thought about in years. In one thread, we’ve been discussing memories from our elementary school years, and it reminded me of something I have thought about often through the years.

In about the fourth grade, I had a teacher who, as I look back over the years, made a big impact on my life, and I’ve often wished I could contact her and thank her, but I don’t know how to do so. Anyway, one day as we were sitting in class doing some desk work, I remember us kids talking, like kids do, and I said something unkind about someone else. Word got back to the teacher about what I had said, and she called me over to her desk. I was mortified, just sure I was in trouble. However, she very kindly, very gently told me a story about how she had known a girl when she was in high school who she hadn’t been very friendly with and who wasn’t the most popular kid, but later they ended up going to the same college and living on the same floor in the dorm. She told me she and this girl ended up being really good friends, and how she regretted not being kinder to her in school sooner because she missed out on those years of being friends with her. The point was, be kind no matter what. I felt then, and still to this day feel ashamed of what I had said that day. I don’t even know why I said it. I didn’t mean it, and I was being a dumb kid.

As I’ve thought about that incident through the years, I’m so thankful for how kindly my teacher handled that situation.  She could have just scolded me in front of the class, but she chose to make it a teachable moment instead, and I remembered it. Forever after that, it made me think before judging or dismissing someone unkindly. Even at that age it helped me to realize it’s not all about me.  Everyone has a story. I believe the Lord used that teacher in my life to begin chipping away at my prideful little heart, because as I look back, wow, I sure did have a lot of self-centeredness going on, even in fourth grade. I’m thankful for that teacher’s influence in my life. She probably doesn’t even remember that day, I’m sure there were lots of moments like that in the life of an elementary school teacher, but I have never forgotten it.

What I Was Reading in 2018

I've made it something of a habit at the end of a year and beginning of a new year to post a list of the books I read in the last year. One fun little tradition my dad and brother and I have is that we share our reading lists with each other at the end of the year, as well, and I always pick up interesting suggestions for future reads from their lists. Since I won't be finishing any books today, I can go ahead and post my 2018 list, and the book I'm currently reading will have to go on the list for 2019. This is a little unsatisfying to my sense of completeness since it is the third in a series and I would have liked it to go on this list with the first two from the series, but it is what it is. 😊  As always, just because it's on the list doesn't necessarily mean I might wholeheartedly endorse a book, so if anyone has a question, please feel free to ask. I didn't always write whether I liked a book or not, and, looking back, I kind of wish I had done that more often - I find that when I look back, I don't always remember all of them very well. Some of them stick with me quite a bit, while others are less memorable.  Anyway, for what it's worth, here is the list of books I read in 2018. 

January 2018

• From the Resurrection to his Return: Living Faithfully in the Last Days - D.A. Carson (NF)
• East of Eden - John Steinbeck (F)
• A Specter of Justice - Mark De Castrique (F). My brother-in-law gave me an autographed copy of this book for Christmas, written by a friend of his. I enjoyed it very much and plan to look for more in the series.
• Wonder - R.J. Palacio (F). Wow, this is such a great book. I cried so often while reading it - sad and happy tears. My daughter's cousin gave it to her for Christmas last year and she loved it and has talked and talked about it and wants to see the movie, and she begged me to read it, so I just finished it, and it is just so good. We're planning to go see the movie tomorrow. :-) The writing is so good and I love how the story is told from the perspective of several characters, and very believably. I love the message of not only choosing kindness, but going beyond and  choosing to be even kinder than necessary. Highly recommended.
• Who is the Holy Spirit? (Crucial Questions Series) - R.C. Sproul (NF)
• Foundation - Isaac Asimov (F)

February 2018

• Can I Be Sure I'm Saved (Crucial Questions Series) - R. C. Sproul (NF)
• Foundation and Empire - Isaac Asimov (F)
• Not God Enough: Why Your Small God Leads to Big Problems - J. D. Greear (NF).  Recommended! I very much appreciated this book.

March 2018

• Second Foundation - Isaac Asimov (F)
• The Cold Dish: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 1) - Craig Johnson (F)

April 2018

• Growing Up Christian - Karl Gaustein with Mark Jacobsen (NF). This is a great tool to use for discipling our children who are growing up as 'church kids' to help us to help them to recognize the blessings and dangers in growing up 'Christian.' It is very helpful at encouraging them to examine themselves to be sure they truly understand the gospel and are in the faith, rather than merely mimicking their parents' faith. Very much recommended.
• Death Without Company: A Walt Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 2) - Craig Johnson (F).  I've found a new favorite series. Some language caution (a couple of characters can at times be a bit salty in their language). Interesting and believable characters, humor, intriguing stories.
• Race and Economics - Walter E. Williams (NF). 
• Christy - Catherine Marshall (F).  I loved this book!
• Hillbilly Elegy: a Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis - J.D. Vance (NF).  This is such a good book, sad, poignant, but somewhat hopeful. I have so many thoughts I wish I could discuss with someone after reading this, I'm going to have to call my mom. I see many similarities, yet many differences to things she has told me about her family and grandparents and great-grandparents.  To some extent, the 'hillbillies' are my ancestors, too, though there are differences to mom's and dad's stories that are significant. One thing that made me angry while reading, though, is that the Christianity that is pictured is more cultural than Christian. While I know I'm reading through the author's lens and it's possible that in his youth and struggles he just missed the larger message, it seems that even when he went to church he was more inundated with outward things and changes rather than the actual gospel message. We all need the gospel, not mere separation from the world, but we need to know reconciliation with God through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. This is what changes us and grants us true hope. I agree with a lot of the cultural issues discussed and analyzed so well and insightfully in the book, they are real and need to be addressed, but I'm angry and saddened at the shallow Christianity presented in many churches that preach Americanism on one hand and focus on separating from the world but seem to miss the point ultimately in preaching true gospel salvation. Our identity needs to be in Christ, we need to be following HIM, we need Him and His righteousness to save us from ourselves. It isn't enough to have our own version of Christianity apart from any church but remaining in our deep-seated, individualistic, I'll-do-it-my-way pride,  nor is to legalistically change outward behavior and stop watching movies, listening to certain music,  and fill our minds reading Left Behind books and steeping ourselves in the evangelical subculture while seeing the devil behind everything else. That is not Christianity. Christianity is dying to ourselves, taking up our cross, and following Christ. It is to see Jesus as more precious and worthy than anything else in life. I have so much more I'm thinking, but this isn't the place to share it, and I need time to think. I really am glad I read this book. 
• Kindness Goes Unpunished: A Walt Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 3) - Craig Johnson (F).

May 2018

• Another Man's Moccasins: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 4) - Craig Johnson (F).
• The Alice Network: A Novel - Kate Quinn (F).
• The Dark Horse: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 5) - Craig Johnson (F).
• None Like Him: 10 Ways God is Different From Us (and why that's a good thing) - Jen Wilkin (NF). Recommended!
• Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology - Leah Remini (NF). 
• Full Circle: Coming Home to the Faithfulness of God - Athena Dean Holtz (NF). 
• Junkyard Dogs: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 6) - Craig Johnson (F).

June 2018

• The Quest for Cosmic Justice - Thomas Sowell (NF). Wow.  I would love to see this as recommended reading for every high school senior.  Very well thought out and written. 
• Hell is Empty: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 7) - Craig Johnson (F).
• Memory Man - David Baldacci (F).

July 2018

• The Last Mile (Memory Man Series Book 2) - David Baldacci (F).
• As the Crow Flies: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Book 8) - Craig Johnson (F).
• Believe Me - JP Delaney (F).

August 2018

• Watchfulness - Brian G. Hedges (NF). Recommended! I took my time reading this short little book because it is packed with wisdom and I want to remember, not just read it, put it down, and move on to other things, but to take to heart what I've read. 
• The Things You Find in Rockpools - Gregg Dunnett (F).
• A Serpent's Tooth: A Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries Book 9) - Craig Johnson (F).
• Divorce Horse (Longmire Short Story) - Craig Johnson (F).
• Christmas in Absaroka County: Walt Longmire Christmas Stories - Craig Johnson (F).
• Messenger: A Walt Longmire Story - Craig Johnson (F).
• Precious Remedies Against Satan's Devices - Thomas Brooks (NF).

September 2018

• Pushing Brilliance (Kyle Achilles, Book 1) - Tim Tigner (F).
• Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng (F). Having lived in Shaker Heights, OH for a year, I enjoyed this book. Definitely captures the feel of living in Shaker Heights.  Some things I liked, many I did not. 
• The Storyteller's Secret - Sejal Badani (F). I loved this book. 

October 2018

• Any Other Name (Walt Longmire Books Book 10) - Craig Johnson (F). 
• Gilead - Marilynne Robinson (F). Beautifully written, I loved this.
• Wait for Signs:Twelve Longmire Stories - Craig Johnson (F).
• Made For His Pleasure - Alistair Begg (NF). This is the book I will be recommending to anyone I can.  Such an encouraging book! How I want to love and serve Jesus more. 

November 2018

• Them: Why We Hate Each Other - And How to Heal - Ben Sasse (NF). HIGHLY recommend.  How I long for more voices like Ben Sasse to speak into the current public discourse. Whether you agree with him on policy or not, what he says about regaining a sense of being fellow countrymen, good neighbors who invest in community, and recognizing and honoring the dignity of all people, even those with whom we disagree, is a refreshing and MUCH needed corrective to the current mess that we find ourselves in. 
• Sing!: How Worship Transforms Your Life, Family, and Church - Keith and Kristyn Getty (NF).
• Black Rednecks and White Liberals - Thomas Sowell (NF). One of the premier thinkers of our day. He really ought to be required reading for those who want to talk about 'social justice.' 
• Frankenstein - Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley (F). My high school senior was reading this for English and I realized I don't remember if I've actually read the original book or not, so now I have. Didn't really like it all that much. 
• 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You - Tony Reinke (NF). This is probably one of the most useful and important books I've read this year. I would go so far as to say I HIGHLY recommend this to any Christian who has a smartphone or engages at all with social media. Truly well written and thought-provoking, on a topic that is vital that we think well and deeply about - how to use smartphones and social media wisely and to God's glory and not get lost in the trivial and idolatrous, examining carefully our habits and motivations in this area.  This is a warning and a message that is desperately needed today. I've been thinking a great deal for some time about how and why I use social media, and I found this a refreshing and much needed discussion. I'm going to put this in front of all three of my kids and insist that they read it thoughtfully.

December 2018

• The Mysterious Benedict Society - Trenton Lee Stewart (F). I bought this for my daughter after a recommendation from several friends, and it's very good. I hope she will listen to me and try it - I think she will enjoy it.
• Dry Bones: A Walt Longmire Mystery (Walt Longmire Mysteries, Book 11) - Craig Johnson (F).
• An Obvious Fact: A Longmire Mystery - Craig Johnson (F).
• Home - Marilynne Robinson (F). This is the second in the Gilead trilogy and I truly enjoy her writing. I love how she took the same characters and time period as Gilead and told it from different characters' perspective. Well-done.  I'm currently reading the third book in the trilogy, Lila, but it will have to go on the list for 2019 since I'm not finished with it yet. 
• The Highwayman: A Longmire Mystery - Craig Johnson (F).