Songs That Bring Joy to Our Hearts and Draw Us to God

Because we aren’t able to meet physically for choir practice and worship services during this time of social distancing, our music and worship director from our church sent a devotional video to us this week to keep in touch and encourage us.  In it, he asked us to answer two questions in the comments on the Facebook post: 1.) What songs bring you joy in times of sorrow? and 2.) What songs draw you closest to God? I got to thinking that there are so very many songs that fit these roles in my life - too many to answer in a comment, and I decided to ponder it in a blog post.  Even here, it’s impossible to list every song that speaks in these ways to me, but I’m going to share a few, and only a few, not even close to all of them, and some memories or comforts and why they're special to me.

I’ve mentioned before on this blog how much comfort I’ve gained from my old Baptist Hymnal.  Since I was young, I remember pulling it out and going through it and finding myself drawn near to God through the melodies and words of so many of the hymns.  They are rich with solid truths about God, and because they’ve been such a part of my life forever, they’re full of precious memories and emotions, too.

One hymn that has been an anchor hymn for me is, “There is a Fountain,” by William Cowper. I remember many, many,  many nights rocking my crying babies and singing and crying with them as a new mom, and for some reason, this one came often to mind.  I just love how much comfort I’ve always drawn from this song, all my guilty stains, all my sin, washed away by Jesus’ blood, and how it goes on to think of our blessed hope - saved to sin no more, redeeming love has been my theme and shall be til I die; when this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave, then in a nobler, sweeter song I'll sing thy power to save - glory!  Sometimes this was the only song that would come fully to mind, and I sang it often in those early, exhausted, baby-blues nights.  Sometime many years later we were singing this hymn at church and my oldest boy, who was in high school by then, told me he just loved that hymn.  I told him that’s probably partly because he’s heard it many times since he was teeny tiny as I sang it to him often, often through my own tears.  

There’s a song that New Song used to sing and every time I hear it, first I’m drawn to worship our “Forever King,” but it also makes me a little teary because I cannot hear it without hearing Simeon Nix, our former music pastor from our church when we lived in Florida, who I’m sure sang it at some point and who is in Heaven now.  That makes me think about how one day all of our voices will get to join the great Hallelujah Chorus of Heaven when we see Jesus, and that draws me to worship my Savior. 

A song that touched me deeply around the time that we experienced our miscarriages was, “Blessed Be Your Name,” by Matt Redman.  I first heard it around that time as a congregational song at the church we were attending at that time, and I remember holding onto it as I wept with grief and held onto the peace of Christ that passes all understanding, even in the midst of grief. 

There were four songs that I have played over and over from Casting Crowns which I love: "Lifesong," "Voice of Truth," "Praise You in This Storm," and "And Now My Lifesong Sings." 

When we lived in Cleveland, we came to love the Gettys’ music, and I have to say pretty much anything they’ve written brings me comfort and draws me close to God.  That year was such a very lonely year, but our church was the one truly bright spot for me, and it was there that we learned to love this music.  A couple songs of theirs that I come back to again and again are some that I learned later while we lived in Texas, “Living Waters,” and “The Lord is My Salvation,” are two of my favorites. 

Another memory I have from that lonely year in Cleveland was from an evening service when our pastor had just preached a sermon on Heaven and our hope in Christ.  The closing hymn was, “It is Well With My Soul,” and I remember getting chills with tears coming down my cheeks.  There is something holy about standing in a room full of people who love Jesus with abandon, and totally believe what they are singing, with thoughts of Christ and Heaven fresh on their minds.  You could feel the people in that room reaching out to our Savior and loving Him and drawing near to Him in the simplicity of the acoustic instruments and the triumphant voices. That was a glimpse, and only a glimpse, of what our worship in Heaven will be like when we see Him and know Him face to face.

Another hymn that came to have special meaning to me is one that I think I’ve only ever heard but one time in church, but that one time was incredibly significant: “Nearer, Still Nearer.”  We had just moved to Texas that summer, and it was about a week before school was to start.  My oldest son had spent the last month attending band camp for his high school and had already made some close friends.  One Sunday afternoon, the Sunday before classes were to start the next day, we got the message that something tragic had happened and there was a meeting that afternoon in the band room.  Josh’s friend, one of the first people he had met after moving there, had lost his life suddenly and the whole band was left grieving.  That was a hard, hard thing.  The next Sunday, while singing hymns that were just incredibly uplifting, we sang, “In Christ Alone,” and then, “Nearer, Still Nearer.”  I looked over at my son who suddenly sat down with his head in his hands, sobbing.  Afterward, he said, “What was that hymn? It was so good.” That was another time God used music to comfort us in our sorrow.  

In this time when so many around us are spiraling in anxiety, I found "Sovereign Over Us," to be comforting and it lifts our attention away from us to our merciful and all-powerful God.

As to songs that draw me close to God, again, there are just so very many.  I love songs that remind me of the attributes and character of God, and of His love and overwhelming mercy to us.  Just a few songs that always lift my attention to Jesus are, “Behold Our God,” “His Mercy is More,” “All I Have is Christ,” “In Christ Alone,” “I Can Only Imagine,” “Come Praise and Glorify,” "Is He Worthy?" and there are so very many more I could list. 

Here are a few more of my favorite hymns (again, just a few) which have often brought comfort in sorrow and drawn me close to God: 

“All Glory, Laud and Honor”

“All Hail the Power of Jesus’ Name”

“All the Way My Savior Leads Me”

“Amazing Grace”

“Be Thou My Vision”

“Come, Ye Disconsolate”

“Crown Him With Many Crowns” 

“Fairest Lord Jesus”

“Holy, Holy, Holy”

“How Firm a Foundation”

“I Know Whom I Have Believed”

“I Need Thee Every Hour”

“Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise”

“Jesus Paid it All”

“More Love to Thee, O Christ”

“My Hope is Built on Nothing Less”

“My Faith Has Found a Resting Place”

“Nearer, My God to Thee”

“O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus”

“Rock of Ages”

“Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us”

“Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus”

These are only the tip of the iceberg. As soon as I hit publish I’ll remember many more, old and new, that really should be mentioned here.  I’m very thankful for music.  

And in these days of social distancing and coronavirus concern, I've been enjoying very much singing the Doxology when I wash my hands to get that 20 seconds of cleanliness.  What a unique way to turn my attention to my Creator and Savior.  When the world is living in anxiety, we can have confidence in the one who is Sovereign over all things - even these days, and who is working all things, all things, together for good for those who love Him and for His glory.  Glory.

God gave us such a gift when He gave us music.  I’m thankful for old hymns, and I’m thankful that even though a lot of modern worship music can be shallow and won’t stand the test of time, God is still raising up good song writers who are writing modern hymns and songs that will stand the test of time and are rich with deep theological truths we can hang onto in dark and uncertain times - songs that help us find joy in sorrow and draw near to God.  Look for those songs and sing them well.

Status Report - July 2014

Blog status reports are usually written at the beginning of the month, but seeing as I seem to have dropped any semblance of regular blog posting for quite some time now, I figure halfway through July isn’t a bad time to pop in for a status report, since so much in my world has changed recently. So, this will be the July 2014 Status Report - ‘Just Moved’ version.

Sitting...in my new computer area off the kitchen in my new house in Ohio. Yes, we’ve moved again. Army life, you know. This time we’re only here for a year, so we get to do all this fun again next summer. Woo and hoo.

Reading….The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare. It's one I had heard of but never read before, but someone in a book group I belong to on Facebook mentioned reading it and loving it,  so I'm trying it. Like it so far. I also just finished a series by Terri Blackstock that I LOVED. (Last Light, Night Light, True Light, and Dawn's Light). I'm not usually all that fond of Christian fiction, but I really liked this series. I want to read more by that author.

Thankful....most of the unpacking is finished, and we actually got rid of a lot this time around. Goodwill and the half-price bookstore have seen a great deal of my husband over the past two weeks. I’m proud of him for letting go of so many books and things! This move was one of the most difficult yet, since we had the stuff I and the kids lived with last year in the cavelike apartment in Kentucky after we sold the house, the stuff that was in storage for a year after moving from that larger house to a small apartment, and the stuff my husband lived with in his ‘van down by the river’ for his year of Army-Baylor school in Texas all coming here together at once. But we’ve purged better this time than we ever have before, so next move should be a little easier, at least as far as ‘stuff’ goes.

Happy....to have my husband home again, even though that meant we had to uproot and move for a year. It is so right to be together as a family again. Last year was HARD for all of us. Glad it’s behind us. 

Sad, but excited...for my kids who will start new schools here in this city this fall. It’s going to be quite an adventure, that’s for sure, and I’m especially sensitive to how hard it is for my high school son to have to uproot not once, but twice during high school - this summer and next. But all three kids are facing this with remarkable grace. God has truly blessed us in how He is working in their lives, and it’s a joy to watch.

Out of my comfort zone.....with living in this city in the greater Cleveland area. I’m not a city girl at all, but with my husband doing a one year stint on loan from the Army to Cleveland Clinic, we didn’t want a huge commute for him, so we’re learning how to live the city life.  Driving makes me nervous. It’s not really that bad except for the crazy intersections and weird no turn signs. Seriously, there’s one intersection that says no right turn, no left turn, and straight is a confusing road to find. We laugh about that one all the time. “You can’t go left, you can’t go right, and there doesn’t seem to be a straight. Where do I GO???” And the honking. Seriously, people. Honking does not make the light change faster and it doesn’t make the car in front of me go faster, either. Give the guy time to move his foot from the brake to the gas pedal when the light turns. And my husband has introduced us to this thing called riding the train into the city. There’s a station within walking distance of our house. I don’t so much like it, but I’ll do it if he’s with me. And the garage behind our house? We joke that I may be stuck in the house all year because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to back out of it. It’s a long, narrow driveway, and I’m not the best parker or backer. We’ve also decided our little city state here is a socialist state. If there’s a rule to be made, they’ve thought of it and made it. Don’t, Don’t, Don’t everywhere you look. Wowza. But there is a lot good, too. We live in the top half of this really cool old house, and our neighbor is a nice lady. Good to have a good neighbor if you have to share a creaky old house. This is the first time I’ve ever lived in a house with no central AC. I grew up in Florida, y’all.  But it hasn’t been all that bad. It’s only a year, and we plan on making the best of it, finding lots of neat things to do - the symphony is supposed to be one of the very best, museums, restaurants, shopping, and lots more. They say it snows a lot here in the winter. Oh boy.....

Listing....some of the hard things about moving:

• Getting over my culture shock and learning my way around
• Finding a new church. We’ve visited two, but we are pretty much in agreement about where we want to go, I think. When I first heard we were moving to Cleveland, there was one church I really wanted to go to, and now that we’ve visited another good church too, it’s really neat that as my husband and I talked and prayed, though both are good options, the one we really wanted to go to seems to be the one we both are sensing a real peace about going to, even though it’s quite a drive from our house. I have listened to the pastor there for years on podcast and learned so much, that it will be a joy to be able to attend this church for a year with our children.
• Losing sentimental things along the way. This is kind of a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but as we were emptying a dresser for my husband to use, I realized that a stack of cards I had kept that friends had sent after each miscarriage has gone missing. I know it’s just cards, but they have meaning to me, and I hate to lose them. I’m sure they were in that drawer, but I’m hoping maybe somewhere along the way I put them somewhere else and we will come across them. I don’t rehash those sad memories all the time, but those cards were special to me in the acknowledgement that the loss of those children and the grief we have over them is real and valid, and the kind words shared by my friends at those times are things I treasured.
• New things. I’ve never been very good with change. I’m getting better, but this one has been harder than some.

Thinking....this may end up being kind of a lonely year, but I want to be constructive with it and do some writing. We drove past a Panera today, and I reallly, really, really miss my special girl friends from Kentucky and our marathon lunches there. You know who you are, and you’re special ladies. I miss y’all, and I’m thankful we were in Kentucky at the same time. 

Thankful...for God’s amazing grace. I know that He is with us, wherever we can go. I know that He has placed our family together and placed us here for this season, and what I want most to do is seek to glorify Him and grow closer to Him throughout this year, and the years to come. And I’m thankful we do have a solid, gospel-preaching, Bible teaching church with which to join ourselves.

Refuge

Isaiah 26:3-4

“3 You keep him in perfect peace 

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

4 Trust in the Lord forever,

for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

I was listening to a song the other day that talked about how God is our refuge in times of fear and trouble and I realized that it has very personal meaning to me. I began thinking specifically about certain times of trouble and how God has been my refuge in them, but then I began looking back over the course of my life, and I realized how much deeper the concept of refuge actually is. It is not just in times of fear and trial that I need His refuge, it is always. 

I don't attempt to claim a 'favorite verse' per se, because I think sometimes we can tend to pull out favorite or well-known verses and mangle them out of context, but I do try to marinate my thinking in the whole counsel of His word rather than grabbing a few favorite verses and repeating them like a kind of mantra. However, there are still passages I find myself returning to often at different stages of life, and those verses from Isaiah that I quoted at the beginning of this post are true, and I find myself pondering them often. But something you have to keep in mind is that these verses are not a blanket promise that the one who keeps his or her mind on God and trusts Him will never face trials or that nothing ‘bad’ will ever happen.  Another passage I find myself returning to ponder often is Philippians 4:6-7, “6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  There is hope in His peace. And when I say ‘peace,’ I mean so much more than simply ‘calm in the storm.’ I can testify to that peace and its depth. He has given me a story of His faithfulness and grace to tell for His glory, and I’m grateful. 

Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while or know me in real life know that I’m married to Drew and we have three children, two boys ages 13 and 11, and a little girl age 6. What you may not know about us is that we also have 4 children we did not get to meet this side of heaven because of miscarriages. I try not to bring that up too often because that is not something I want to unduly burden others with and, though it is a big part of my husband’s and my life, we don’t need to make it the defining thing about us or dwell in depths of emotion over it more than we should.

 I say that, though, to say that as I listened to that song I mentioned, the first thing I thought about was how true it is that God was my refuge during those difficult times when I lost 4 babies. I thought about how I’ve been allowed to learn from James 1:2-3 “2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness,” that there is joy in having persevered because I know that the faith to persevere was a gift from Jesus because I know how wretched my heart would be on its own, that only He could grant me the faith to persevere and demonstrate that that faith is real. 

I thought about the second miscarriage, when I had already been working before it happened to memorize Psalm 34, and how during some of the most difficult moments I literally cried out Psalm 34:1, “I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth,” through wracking sobs and breaking heart, and once again experienced that peace that passes all understanding as He continued to grant the faith to persevere and trust Him, though I didn’t understand the whys. 

And I remembered the third one, when we found out just days after learning I was expecting that Drew had been tasked to go to Iraq for the Army for six months. How I feared the timing of his departure, knowing my history and that we weren’t guaranteed we’d never face another miscarriage. I remembered how I learned in that time that though I feared, Jesus was with me, even when what I had feared did, indeed, happen and I lost that baby just days after Drew left for Iraq. Yet God surrounded us with a church family who prayed for us and helped me with childcare while I went for test after test after test which yielded no answers. 

And the fourth, when I learned, yet again, that I could sing, I could praise, even when my heart was sad, and I could say, “The Lord gave and the Lord took away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” Before that last pregnancy, I had the opportunity to co-lead a little women’s Bible study through the book of Hebrews. In Hebrews we learn about our great High Priest, Jesus, and that He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them (Hebrews 7:25), and if He knows the days of my life before ever there was one of them (Psalm 139), then surely He was interceding for me, His child, on that day too.  And I remember that in all things, the good and the bad, the things I've listed here and so many others I could list besides, God is good, all the time, and He has always, always, always been so kind to grant me the faith to persevere and to trust Him, that faith that comes from God alone through faith in Christ Jesus alone.

As I was flooded with these memories of God’s faithfulness and what He has taught me through these things, I was struck by the realization that not only do I need the kind of peace He has abundantly showered upon me during trials, but I need, so much more than that, the peace He has given me with Himself in the forgiveness of sin. The reason I press on to make this my own is because Christ Jesus has made me His own (Phil 3:12). Because here is where I am brought to my knees in wonder, when I look back over my life and ponder the grace that allowed Him to save me and to make me His own, to be amazed at the fact that He would look with favor upon me, wretched sinner that I am, and have mercy and grace to save me to be His own, reconciled to Him in faith.

See, as a five-year-old, God allowed me to express a childlike faith and profess faith in Jesus. I do not know how much I could have possibly understood at that age. As I’ve grown in faith, I realize I couldn’t have understood much. But God, who is rich in mercy, took that childlike faith He granted and grew it until I did understand about repentance and was able to place my full trust in Him in a mature faith. I look back at the girl I was in high school and college, who had such an immature faith and such a huge pride that if you’d asked me if I were a good person, I would have proudly said, “Yes,” knowing that any good was only there because of what Jesus had done for me, but not having much understanding, even then, of just how wretched my sin really was. But now I see it, my wretched, sinful self, and I know that God, in His mercy, grew me in faith to recognize and repent and trust that what Jesus did on the cross really was for me. He took my sin and took the wrath I deserved and has counted me righteous. He took that childlike faith of the five-year-old and held me, guarded my heart and mind, and kept me from straying in spite of my immaturity, and will continue to hold me to the end. 

And, my friends, now I plead with you to consider Jesus. Examine your heart. Have you repented and placed your trust in Jesus alone? That is the peace that passes all understanding which guards our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. That is why we can count it all joy when we encounter various trials, because He is. He is glorious, He is merciful, He is loving. And He, in mercy, reached down and saved this sinner so that in trial and in sunshine I can sing His praise. Halleluljah! What a Savior!

Lasting Encouragement

Hebrews 10:24-25

“24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” 

Romans 12:15

“15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

Philippians 2:4

“4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

This morning I was cleaning out that drawer we have where we stuff things when we don’t know what else to do with them or are too lazy to take the time to find a better home for them. I know I am not the only person who has a drawer (several) like that, am I? Anyway, most of what I found in there went straight to the trash bin, having stayed in the drawer long enough to outlive its urgency or even my remembrance of why it went in the drawer as opposed to the trash bin in the first place. 

Near the bottom of the drawer, however, I came across a stack of cards that caused me to pause, take them up, sit down, and read and remember, with a few (just a few) tears as well. These were cards that had been sent after the last miscarriage, that fourth and final one. Upstairs in the very bottom of my night stand, there are three bound stacks of cards that I’ve kept, but somehow, with this last one, because we were in the midst of getting ready to move and I was so tired, so very tired, this little stack didn’t make it to my little safe place and had ended up here in the junk drawer, waiting the time I’d find them again and remember.

And what that made me think today is this: How thankful I am for the caring friends who took the time to send a card or a note, even when they really didn’t know what to say. How thankful I am for the Body of Christ, who encourage each other, who weep with each other when we weep and rejoice with each other when we rejoice. How thankful I am that our gracious God puts the lonely in families - and isn’t that what the Body of Christ is for those who believe and trust in Jesus - a family? How thankful I am for each card and the scripture included, which encouraged me at a difficult time and stirred me up to the good work of trusting my Savior, even when I was hurting so. Because what each of those cards and the messages written in them had in common was that each of those friends encouraged me in the Lord - pointing always to Jesus, the Savior of my soul.

Even our realtor here, who is also a sister in Christ, sent a note of encouragement after Drew had to call and tell her that we no longer needed that extra bedroom in the house, was there anyway to go back to the drawing board? So, what I’m thinking about today as I remember my caring friends is how good it is to send a card, say a prayer, make a phone call or even a visit when someone comes to mind. Those friends, sisters in Christ, who sent cards, or called on the phone even when they had no words but just called to let me know they cared, helped in that way to encourage and helped me (and Drew) to bear a heavy burden. So, I’m hoping that my providential stumbling across those examples of sweet encouragement will help me to remember next time I think about sending a card or offering encouragement to not merely think about it, but to do it. Because the encouragement offered goes beyond just that moment, but lasts for years, as my little tucked away bundles of cards can attest. 

The Secret Grief

I’ve found myself being weepier than usual lately. I always cry at most anything anyway, but lately I seem more watery-eyed than usual. Having a raging sinus infection doesn’t help. It’s getting better now, though the antibiotic I’m on has me feeling off. Feels like morning sickness. It isn’t, but it feels like it. Maybe after 10 days of not having any appetite at all I’ll actually lose some weight finally?

Anyway, I finally realized that what’s going on in my subconscious is that it’s almost September. That’s where the weepiness is coming from, I think. My due date was September 21. I don’t dwell on it, but it’s there in the back of my mind nonetheless. I know from experience that subsequent Septembers probably won’t be so poignant, but here we are.

I find myself in a strange place regarding this last miscarriage. I can’t honestly say that today, right now, I truly wish I were still pregnant. And I feel kind of sad to say that. The move and the settling in have been much easier than they would have been had things gone as we’d maybe not planned but hoped after the surprise. But it is sad to think about the baby we almost got to welcome home in the next few weeks. It’s sad to think about the three other babies who we also never got to welcome home or even meet. It’s sweet to think that in Heaven there are four people who worship Jesus there who we’ll meet one day and recognize as the children we only got to hold in our hearts.

So, I can’t say I’m terribly sad. I’m really happy with where we are at the moment. God has been especially good and kind to my family. He has brought us to a church home where we already feel we are part of the family, where we are encouraged and drawn in to worship Him in a real way each week. I have sensed such growth just since we’ve been here, and this is a gift from God, I know.

But if I’m a little weepier than usual in the next few weeks, please understand. I’m okay. Really and truly okay. But there’s a part of my heart that will always be a place of secret grief that holds a place for four little ones who left us before we even got to know them.

Assembling Together

Hebrews 10:24-25

“And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”

I love Sundays. I love meeting together with brothers and sisters in Christ to worship our God together. I love the encouragement to worship and to live out the Christian life that comes from the simple gathering together to worship through prayer and song and hearing the Word preached in truth. I love the kindness God showed us in not calling us to a Lone Ranger kind of existence but in calling us to His family. I love His kindness in making it not optional that we meet together, too. It is vitally important to worship Him in private, but there is just something other about worshiping alongside other believers who are also worshiping Him.

One of the things that made our time in St. Louis so very sweet was the church God brought us to before we had even fully moved there. Drew and I did some research online and found Parkway Baptist and just really believed we should visit there. When Drew went to St. Louis a month before the rest of us followed, we visited Parkway together when I flew up to visit him. Then he continued to visit there until I and the kids completed the move. We never felt the need to go anywhere else. It was with that portion of the Body that we knew we were supposed to join for the short time we had there. And the really neat thing about the relationships we formed there is that they will be eternal. Even if we don’t get to have much time together this side of heaven, we will be together there.

God, I believe, is showing His kindness once again to my family. Again we did some research ahead of time and found a church here in Kentucky where we thought we would like to visit. We have been visiting Northside Baptist Church since before we moved here (got to visit on a couple of house-hunting trips), and in the few weeks we’ve lived here, I have sensed the Spirit in a very real way each time we’ve joined with the church to worship - even the Sunday one of my kids got (quite and unexpectedly with no warning at all) sick right before the sermon and Drew had to take him out. The pastor later asked if he got sick or was Dad taking him out for some discipline. That horrified my son! We’ve NEVER had to take him out for misbehavior - he likes to be at church and always behaves.

Anyway, I am thankful for today. I heard some things that really touched my heart and that I want to continue to ponder this week and in days ahead. The pastor prayed before worship that this service would not be one where we sat on “cruise control” but that we would truly enter into worship. That pierced my heart, because lately I’ve kind of felt like I’m sort of living my life on “cruise control” at times and I don’t want to settle for that. I want to live on purpose, if that makes sense. Then the music pastor talked about how easy it is to trust God when things are going well and when we ‘feel’ Him. The hard thing is to trust Him when we don’t feel anything. That pierced me again. I mentioned earlier that I’m kind of in the blues right now. They say that moving is right up there with the major stresses of life, and if that’s so, I’ve had a few of those this year. That not feeling anything is an obstacle I face sometimes. I’m there right now. I think I’ve been in a bit of a slump since the miscarriage in February that, while not debilitating and something I try not to talk much about, is something that I still find myself needing to work through at unexpected times. But what a privilege to take even that to God in prayer. What an awesome salvation that we know that our hope is not in our feelings, but in His grace. Pastor’s sermon today contrasted Mt. Sinai, the mountain of Law, with Mt. Zion, the mountain of grace and forgiveness as we continued studying the book of Hebrews. He emphasized that Jesus is the Something better - just as I studied in the spring with our ladies’ Bible study. In fact, the “sermon in a sentence” was this today: “If we do not hinge our entire hope for salvation on coming to the mount of grace in repentance and faith, then we will be judged by the standards of the mount of law.”

Friends, I am so eternally grateful that Jesus is my High Priest and that His blood is what makes me right with God. I do not trust in my feelings, or lack of them. I trust in Him. I trust in what He did at Mt. Zion in offering this sinner a grace so rich, so full, so complete that I can hang all my hope on Him and trust Him.

The choir at our church in St. Louis sang a beautiful song recently called, “Lord, Have Mercy.” I sat there just overwhelmed as I looked at the empty cross in the baptistry and thought, “He has. Oh, He has shown us such mercy. That He came and endured the shame of the cross for the joy that was set before Him and would save such a sinner as me. Such incredible mercy.”

It has been a beautiful Sunday, and I am grateful.

Some Random Thoughts

I’d like to get back to blogging more often. I just finished backing up my blog. Every so often I copy everything into my journal file on my computer just in case something happens to Blogger (oops, typed Blooger again). I know most of my posts are rambling, but I work hard on them and they are meaningful to me even if no one else cares and I’d like to not lose them. Anyway, I’d gotten behind by about 5 months and that was a chore, let me tell you. But it did make me remember why I blog and want to get back to it on a more regular basis. Facebook seems to have put a crimp in my real blogging.

The boys’ last day of school was today! Summer vacation is officially here. We celebrated by meeting Drew at Sonic and having some ice cream. Now that they’re home, I may have to be creative about finding time to blog, but I still want to get back to it.

The boys wanted to go swimming this afternoon, but something is wrong with me I think. I am so tired so much of the time these days and I just didn’t want to swim today. Cup of coffee this afternoon is helping some. During the pregnancy and miscarriage in February they did find something off with my thyroid numbers, so I’m going to be getting that looked at now that my hormones are back to normal. As normal as they ever are with me anyway. I’m waiting until the move, though. No time to get anything going here now. TMI, I know....

I think I’m just now coming up from a bit of a low time, too. Things are looking sunnier all of a sudden. I think the miscarriage hit me in ways I haven’t even begun to recognize, and that’s just how it is. I have tried not to talk about it and the lows too often because I don’t want to drive people away, but I know some of the tiredness stems from all the residual stuff of such things. God is good all the time, and I am so thankful for the hope, real and living hope I have to cling to everyday. Life is good. It’s not always easy, but it’s good. But that may be one reason it's I haven't had much blogging going on lately.

Some of the lows are also related to the coming move, I think. I feel myself pulling back and feeling more emotionally distant as the date looms closer. I don’t like to be that way, but sometimes I can’t help it. One of the hardest things about moving is the unsettled feelings immediately before and after. Again, God is in control and it will all be good. I’m excited about the move, but not excited about having to say farewell. You all know how I am about goodbyes, right? I’ll have to post some pictures of the new house soon. That’s exciting.

I’ve decided I tend to over think things. A lot. I don’t think I’m going to change. Just pointing it out is all.

I’m reading an interesting book these days. Ashamed of the Gospel: When the Church Becomes Like the World by John MacArthur. Interesting and timely for us as we will be starting that journey to find a new church soon. Praying we look at the right things.

I’m looking forward to some fun things to do with the kids this summer. For my Mythbusters loving boys I’m going to pull out some books of science experiments that we have and plan to do one (or more) each week. Also plan to take them swimming and not be the bummer I was this afternoon. :-) I need to plan well, however. I know from experience I often have good ideas but am not so good at follow-through. I also want to continue reading the book series we’ve been reading for what seems like forever with them and move on to something new.

And that’s about it for now. Didn’t really mean this post to be a downer. I don’t feel all that down. Feeling better, even, now that the caffeine is kicking in. I probably ought to kick the caffeine habit, but I probably won’t. :-)

Now it’s time to get ready for the spaghetti supper at church and Awana end of the year thing.

What's On My Nightstand - February 2010

Here it is the end of February, well past the fourth Tuesday, when my Nightstand post should have been written. I forgot it. So, I'm late to the party, as usual lately, but I wanted to go ahead and participate anyway. Not that the reading stack is all that large this month, but here it is, such as it is:

Currently Reading:

John Adams by David McCullough....very interesting. I am enjoying learning more about this remarkable man and his role in the founding of my country. I'm also enjoying learning what a remarkable woman his wife, Abigail, was. It takes me longer to read nonfiction than fiction, however, which is one reason for my short list this month.

For Bible Study:

Hoping for Something Better by Nancy Guthrie....we have arrived at chapter 6 of our study through the book of Hebrews, and every week just gets better and better. It is extremely encouraging to hear from members of our group how this study is stretching them, challenging them, causing them to rethink things they've been taught all their lives as they examine what the scripture says. I love it!!! On a personal note, this study has really been a blessing to me as I am walking through my recent miscarriage and its physical and emotional aftermath. It is such a glorious blessing to experience how intact, solid theology can help to navigate life. Jesus is the hope that anchors my soul, and I am so grateful for the grace He extends in letting me grow deeper and deeper into the truth as I walk through life and as He teaches me to apply that truth daily.

For Group Study with our Sunday night women's group at church:

Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss...yes, still. We will be continuing through April with this one. Again, what a blessing it has been to examine my thinking in the light of biblical truth.

Next up:

The Complete C.S. Lewis Signature Classics....Includes Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, The Abolition of Man, The Great Divorce, The Problem of Pain, Miracles, and A Grief Observed. I'm looking forward to reading this one, which has been sitting on my nightstand for a few months now just waiting for me to get around to it.

Well, that's it for this month. Be sure to check out 5 Minutes for Books to see what the other participants are reading this month.

Heartache

Job 1:21

“...The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.”

This has not been my most favorite Valentine’s weekend, and it has nothing to do with my Valentine, Drew. I love my man even more today than the day we married.

Once again, what happened was not in my plan. Sorrow accompanies another miscarriage over the course of this entire weekend. I had just begun to wrap my mind around being pregnant and to embrace the dream of holding our unexpected but welcome new little one come September, and now this. I am still a little numb as I type this, and it bothers me that I seem to be unable to cry, aside from the first tears on Friday afternoon when this all started. Several friends have called to offer sympathy and support, and I have heard the tears in their voices, but I cannot cry and just feel more emotionally numb as the physical pain increases, and all I feel now is that I just want it to be over. I feel sort of broken inside. Thank you to those of you who didn’t know what to say but called anyway. You have ministered to me in a very special way just to know that you care. And I know from experience that once the physical part of this is over, the emotional floodgates will open, and the tears that have sporadically fallen will increase, as I begin to accept that this dream is not to be after all.

I have decided not to dwell on asking, “Why?” I probably will not have an answer to the whys this side of Heaven, and that is okay. But I do know Who I am trusting with my broken heart, and Who I have always trusted. Jesus is the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. Surely I can, and must, trust Him to bind up my broken heart and to take care of the “whys” in a way that will bring Him glory. In this I find rest.

Again I will sing, I will praise, and I will say, “Here I am,” even in this, even today.

Lord, here I am, ready to walk this path that You have chosen for me. Though I am broken and hurting I will trust You to bind up my broken heart and heal my physical pain. I will rest in You, the only One who can comfort my heart with the peace which passes all understanding and to grant me the rest for which I long. My great and mighty High Priest who is ever interceding for me, I leave my hurt and whys in Your hands. I will trust You to grant me the strength to glorify You even in this. It is in Christ alone in whom I have placed my trust. To God alone be the glory.

As if Moving This Summer With Three Kids, a Dog and a Fish is Not Stressful Enough:

You are not as surprised as I was, trust me.

And it was confirmed by the doctor yesterday afternoon that we are expecting a new little family member somewhere around September 21. This was not in the plan. I am ashamed to admit that my first reaction upon seeing that result a couple of weeks ago wasn’t immediate joy. It was to alternate between crying, feeling overwhelmed, feeling some fear, and also feeling a budding excitement, with crying happening a lot for the first three days or so. Life is precious, children are a gift from the Lord. I believe this with all my heart. I also believe that a Christian marriage should have an attitude of welcoming children. And we do. I know it is God who opens and closes the womb. But my first reaction was that the timing right now is....interesting, not what we had planned or expected. And I feel so guilty about that.

A few reasons for my fearful reaction is that we will be moving before this baby is due. I will have to change doctors in the middle of it all. Scary thought. Another reason is that I have actually been pregnant six times. Well, seven now. Three of those pregnancies resulted in Joshua, Michael, and Rachel, for which Drew and I are very thankful. However, the other three resulted in painful miscarriages at 10-11 weeks. So, it’s a little hard to get excited this early on, and again I feel guilty. Also, since this wasn’t planned, I had been drinking coffee and sodas, so this poor little one is probably swimming in caffeine....something I wouldn’t have done had I been planning for this. The rest of my reasons are selfish, and again I feel guilty about that. We gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby stuff before we moved here. We will have to start all over again, and that’s hard. My running goal, to which I had come so close (I was up to 25 minutes jogging, something I have never in my life been able to do before) is now being put on hold for a while. As well as my weight loss goal, though I am committing to eating healthier and snacking less than I did with previous pregnancies. And I really thought I was done with diapers. Sigh.

But, with some time and God’s grace, I am becoming excited about the little life that is growing in me, and praying for peace not to worry about miscarriage again or about the quantum leap my life seems to be taking at the moment. I have so many fears that I am not living up to being the kind of mom I am called to be, and adding one more child to our family only increases that daily dependence on God for His grace and wisdom. And I know that God is good all the time, and I can trust Him. Jesus is my great High Priest who is at the right hand of God and is ever interceding for me, His child.

About a year ago, I blogged about hineni, the Hebrew word that so often characterized the response of the Patriarchs and Prophets when God called. Hineni, roughly translated means, “Here I am,” with the intent of being ready and willing to obey, which is how Abraham, for example, answered when God called him. I said when I wrote that post that I want that to characterize my response to God’s calling, too. And I still do. Here I am, Lord, and I will joyfully embrace this gift, because it is a gift, and I will lay my fears in Your very capable hands. Jesus Christ is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, surely He can sustain me as I seek to mother and love the children He has given me.

So, while this was not in our master plan, it is obviously in our Master’s plan for us, and we know that His plans for us are for our good and for His glory and He causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I ask for prayer that I will continue to submit to God’s will for me joyfully rather than fearfully, because there is no question but that I am submitting.

As Christ Loved the Church

I love my husband. I would like to take the occasion of the interesting week we have been having to brag on my husband a little. We have been beset by a most unwelcome stomach virus in our house this week. Starting last Friday night, no sooner would one kid begin to be on the mend from throwing up all night, when, like dominoes, the next would fall. All three kids eventually succumbed. We have been up virtually every night this week with either full blown sickness or some kind of miserableness. From the first incident, my husband has taken upon himself the worst of the clean up duty. I got up, too, and did my part, but my darling husband took the worst of it, because he knows that this particular type of thing is a weakness for me, especially right now. Small aside, why does it always strike at night? Why not during the day when I can chase the kid around with a bucket and contain the damage? But no, it happens at night when it’s going to get all over the bed stuff and carpet.

He was not happy about having his sleep interrupted night after night, who is? But, even though I get to stay home each day and he has to go to work, he still demonstrated such a servant’s heart this week. And he always does. One huge example of his servant’s heart that still moves me to tears happened a couple of years ago after we suffered a second miscarriage. Just the day before I had realized I was miscarrying, we had gotten the maternity clothes down from the attic. I had not even taken them out of the boxes yet. When we got home from the hospital, I was worn out and still under the influence of some of the anesthesia from the surgery I had had to endure following that miscarriage, and while I was sleeping a drug influenced and depression influenced sleep that afternoon, Drew quietly put away the maternity clothes, because he knew how painful it would be for me to look at them there when I woke up. He is constantly doing things like that, looking out for me and the kids.

I love how he works hard to support our family and to allow me to stay home with our kids. I love how he is coaching the boys’ Upward basketball teams, head coach for one and assistant for the other. He loves his boys and is involved with them. I love how excited he gets when our least athletic boy finally ‘gets’ it and has a great, a great I say, game and how proud of his son he was when the other boys on the team patted him on the back and told him what a good job he did during the game. I love that. And I love how he helps our least mathematically interested boy patiently and how thrilled he is when the light goes on for our son and he understands the math problem. I also love it when our daughter puts on her ‘dress up dancing shoes’ and says, “Dance with me, Prince Charming,” and he picks her up in her arms and dances with her. And I love that he sees the kids' growing relationship with Christ and the development of good character as more important than everything else. I love that he loves our kids.

Is my husband perfect? No. But neither am I. Marriage is such a picture of grace when two imperfect people, two sinners in fact, covenant together to love each other and to live together until death do us part. Both of us believe we made our vows to God and to each other before witnesses who were our family and friends. We hold that covenant as a cherished thing. I love that my husband is not just committed to me, but to our marriage. That is a significant thing. And it takes a lot of grace. God has extended such amazing grace to us in saving us from our sin and reconciling us to Himself through faith in Jesus Christ, and marriage can be such a picture of that grace and light to a dark world. But the neat thing about my husband is that he does this joyfully. He loves me unconditionally, and has demonstrated it over and over and over in such practical ways. I am not easy to live with. He loves me on days when I am just not all that lovable. He may not feel all that loving, I don’t know, but if that’s the case, I don’t think he has ever shown it. He just goes on loving me more than I deserve.

And in that way, he shows a picture of Christ’s love that marriage is meant to show. How thankful I am that I got the privilege of saying, “I do,” to Drew on December 18, 1993. For sixteen years we have been growing together as we’ve walked through a lot. We’ve endured separations due to his Army commitment, and one of the highest compliments he ever paid me was when he told me about how astounded he was by the kinds of trials some of his companions faced with not being able to trust their wives back home when they were away, and how thankful he was that he knew he could trust me and that the finances and home and kids and everything else were being taken care of when he was away. That’s because I love him and I want him to be free to do his job well and not be worried by a flaky wife back home.

I love that we can share what God is teaching us as we read His word and as we hear it preached. That is a very great blessing, to share the most important thing in life together as we grow in the Lord and grow together as a couple.

The word ‘submission’ has gotten such a negative rap in our culture, but I think that is because we have so distorted the biblical meaning of it as to make it virtually unrecognizable. I also have to say that my husband does such a great job with his part of the biblical picture of marriage, loving his wife, that it is a joy to do my part. (Eph. 5:22-33) It is easy to respect a man like my husband, and for that I am very thankful. How grateful I am that I get to spend my life with him.

Worship

Job 1:20-22
“Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said:

‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.’

In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.”

I’ve been reading the book of Job again. In this passage, Job has just been bombarded by bad news, having lost his livestock, his servants and finally all of his children, who were killed when the house where they were together collapsed on them in a storm. It doesn’t seem strange to read that he arose, tore his robe and shaved his head, which are all signs of extreme grief. But I imagine it does seem strange to some to read that his response is to fall to the ground and…..what do we expect to see here, weep? But that is not the word there, is it? It says he worshiped.

I imagine he probably wept greatly as he worshiped. But he worshiped. Isn’t that interesting?

I have been thinking about that for a few days since I read that last week, and Kim at The Upward Call wrote an interesting post about a conversation she had with someone recently about worship that goes well with my thoughts, too.

I think sometimes our understanding of worship is too shallow. I think a lot of times when we think about worship, especially in a church setting, we tend to think that the music portion of the service is the worship time and then we have the preaching, which we don’t so much equate with worship. We seem to think we haven’t worshiped unless we have had an exciting, emotional time of music-that-we-like kind of experience. Music is very emotional. A skilled music leader can very effectively create a certain mood with careful song choices, and I think sometimes, if we are not careful, we can tend to equate emotion with worship. And they are not the same thing. We can be and often are extremely emotional when we worship, I often am! But, we do need to be careful about assuming that we haven’t worshiped unless a music service brings the house down in some kind of emotional outpouring. And we need to be careful not to put too much emphasis on the music and the type of music and too little emphasis on the preaching of God’s word. And we would do very well to remember that worship is not about how we feel, but about the worth and honor we ascribe to God!

I’m not saying that emotion is wrong or that music is not important. In my last post I talked about a song that is really special to me, and there are lots of songs that do aid in focusing my thoughts on God and help me to enter into an attitude of worship. Having said that though, I also must say that I have been in church services where I have been emotionally spent after the music fades because, frankly, the emotional manipulation is over the top, and it was just that – manipulation. It was obvious the songs had been carefully selected to produce just such a mood. I may feel any number of things, but have I truly worshiped just because I’ve been through an emotional wringer? That is a question we need to ask ourselves.

I was once in a church service on a patriotic weekend (July 4th or Memorial Day, something like that) and the music was all patriotic that morning, and very stirring, very emotional, and very……America-centered. In church. Where our worship should be focused on the King of glory, Jesus, the Savior who poured out His blood to redeem His people, and as I sang those songs I became more and more uncomfortable that we were mixing up love of country with love of God that morning. In fact, the same kinds of emotions we have during a moving ‘worship’ service were flowing that morning, and as we sang “America the Beautiful,” people were swaying with eyes closed and hands raised as we sang the line, “Thine alabaster cities gleam….” And I cringed, thinking, who/what are we actually worshiping with this? I think we had equated emotion with worship, and it was disturbing. I kept thinking about how someone from another country may have experienced that service. Would their attention have been drawn to the Savior? I fear it would not.

So, what I suppose I mean to be saying with this post, that is once again too long, is that I often need to be careful not to count on having a certain kind of emotion in order to worship or to think that music is the most important part of worship. We need to remember that, while music is wonderful, preaching and hearing God’s word is equally important. It is as our understanding of God’s word grows that our worship deepens because knowing God as He has revealed Himself to us through Christ and His word is what should inform and motivate our worship. As we’re singing those songs, we should be focusing on what we know of the One we are singing about. Some of my deepest times of worship have happened without music, in fact.

When I had my third miscarriage, Drew had just the week before departed for 6 months in Iraq and I was alone with two little boys and my heartache and the physical ordeal of the miscarriage. I had been memorizing Psalm 34, and I remember during one very difficult afternoon crying out, “I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise will continually be in my mouth,” through sobs and tears and hurt and physical things I won’t go into detail about here on the blog. In the midst of it all, His peace truly was the peace that passes all understanding. I think this must be a glimpse of what it means when it says that Job worshiped. Moving beyond the feelings into what we know is true, in spite of the feelings and acknowledging God’s absolute worthiness of honor and glory and surrendering to Him, in spite of the feelings.

I think we need to be careful not to limit worship just to the music, and we need to be careful not to say that we can only worship if a certain emotional situation is achieved or only if certain music is sung. Good Bible teaching and spending time studying the Word for ourselves is every bit as important, and I would argue even more important, than music that makes us feel excited or whatever that feeling is that we seek. Sometimes the purest worship happens when we don’t feel like worshiping at all but we fall on our face and do it in spite of the feelings.

His word will inform our worship as we seek to really know Him through reading it and knowing it and hiding it in our heart and through prayer. Then we can learn to worship Christ Jesus with our lives as we learn to apply what His word says, offering our lives as a living sacrifice, obeying and serving Him and not just waiting for a certain type of emotion to define worship for us. Then when the crises come, we can choose to say, with Job, “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD,” and with David, “I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise will continually be in my mouth.”