Saturday, November 18, 2006

Some Days I Feel Like Such a Hypocrite

The title pretty much says it all. I write a lot about living holy, worshipping properly, loving my husband and kids, etc., and it is all true. I mean every word I write, and want desperately to put those thoughts into practice in my everyday walk. The things I write about on this blog are the things I think about. That's why I use this space. But, like I've said before, I can believe right, but it's so hard to live it consistently.

There are days (too many) when I don't read my Bible or, if I do read it, I don't focus on what I've read and think on it. I just read to get the reading done, so to speak. And there are days (way too many) when I don't pray much at all. And there are days (lots of these, too, I'm afraid) when I yell at my kids - not so much because they are disobeying, but because I'm living in the flesh and letting my feelings of tiredness, frustration, selfishness, and what have you rule my actions. Or I just get so bored with hearing for the umpteenthousandth time about a Lego creation I wasn't interested in the first time but tried to at least act like it, so I get a little snappy or act a little cold and distant for a bit rather than just encouraging the child again - it wouldn't have cost me anything just to say a kind word rather than let my boredom be known. And there are times (too many again) when I spend (waste) too much time on the computer that I ought to be devoting to something else or to spending time with my kids or husband. There are many, many, many days when I just go along in my little cocoon of Christian family, Christian friends, Christian church and never have any contact with the nonbelievers who live and work all around me. I complain that I don't know my neighbors, but is it only their fault? I could be more proactive on that front, couldn't I? I hide behind shyness, busyness, laziness.

So, I'm being honest here. This is who I am. I mean all these things I write about. But when I'm writing, I'm writing to myself. I deeply believe these truths, and I desperately want to be the kind of woman who lives out this kind of faith. What I pray with broken heart and deep yearning is that the Holy Spirit would change my heart and desires. That He would mold my will and conform my will so that these things I want to be would begin to be the characteristics of my life. Like happens with the main character in Stepping Heavenward, I hope that the course of my life would be such that when looking back over it, I will have grown, matured, and become more of the woman I was saved to be - one who enjoys and glorifies God forever. By God's grace that will be so. One of the most convicting verses in the New Testament to me is from the parable of the Faithful Servant and the Evil Servant in Luke 12:48 "For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more." I have been given so much - the knowledge of the Gospel, the faith to respond to the Gospel, new life in Christ, the Bible and the education and freedom to read it, health, family, material needs met abundantly, and on and on. May I be a faithful servant ever learning to be true to my Savior. May I be obedient whether I feel like it or not. May I be teachable. May I see the opportunities to be a blessing to my family and to anyone the Lord puts in my path. May I get off my front porch and learn to serve and share the Truth faithfully and consistently. May I learn to be a doer of the word, not just a hearer. May I not be a hypocrite.

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