Thursday, February 08, 2007

Where I Am Right Now

*Just so you know, this is the kind of post I often rethink, so if it disappears later, you'll know I decided it was too whiny. So there.*

I may have mentioned that I don’t really like where I live. Honestly? I hate living here. And I don’t use the word “hate” often, mind you. I hesitate to mention this, but I had myself quite a pity party this afternoon. We’ve been here a little over 3 years, and I’ve never lived in a place like this before where it was so hard to make friends. This is a heavily active-duty military town, so people tend to have a short-term mentality here. They know that they are only here 3 years at the most, and most that I meet hate it here, too. We are military also, but the Reserves is a whole different breed. The active duty people have their squadron or unit here for support. Hubby’s unit is stationed an hour away, and it’s his civilian job that has us here. It’s also his civilian job that will keep us here. I tend to be pretty shy, too, so that doesn’t help. And I guess I'm weird because, though I love to laugh and have fun like anyone else, I really like to talk about doctrine as well. And apparently, that makes me weird to most of the other women I know - it always has. I don't get it, because if we say we love Jesus, why wouldn't we want to talk about biblical things? So, anyway, right now, I’m lonely. There. I finally said it. I have tried to reach out to a few other ladies who are home during the day, as I am, but how many times can you ask someone to meet you for lunch and have the answer always be that they are busy, but they’ll get with you soon before you realize they just aren’t that interested? Or maybe they are as wrapped up in their own lives as I tend to be, and we just aren’t able to get out of our little routine boxes. It doesn’t help that I live way out on “the island” while our church is 20 minutes away in town, where most everyone I know lives. And it doesn’t help that we don’t really have very many young families at our church with stay-home moms. My poor boys are sometimes the only kids in their Sunday School classes. I am struggling greatly right now, because there is a larger church we could attend (and, no, it is not Purpose Driven or seeker-sensitive, or any of that ugliness) where there would be women in the same stage of life as me and more kids for our boys to interact with, but D. doesn’t feel a release to leave our church right now. So, I’m praying that I will have the grace to bloom in the place God has me for now.

I have an ambivalent relationship with my blog at times, too. I’m able to articulate what I believe pretty well in writing, but I feel like such a hypocrite in my real life. I want so much to put into practice what I know is true. But so many days I find that I haven’t talked to anyone, other than my husband, who is over the age of eight. And I know that I need to get out of the house more and find a place to plug in. I know all the clichés: to have a friend you have to be a friend, etc. But I’m just saying, I’ve never found that to be as hard anywhere we’ve lived as it is here, for some reason.

So, I’m holding onto my verse: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3. And I continue to confess what I believe and know is true, no matter how I feel today. Because, honestly, I don’t always feel like I do right now, and it is not about how I feel anyway.

And I’m praying that I will get over myself and reach out, again, and find a place to plug in here, in this town, where God has planted our family. And I know He will lead me where He wants me to be, and He will never leave or forsake me – even if I’m in the wilderness for this season.

Psalm 34:1
“I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”


Psalm 33:20-22
“Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,

Just as we hope in You.”

7 comments:

Elle said...

Rebekah, when we moved to "here" where we live, I too had a terrible time finding my niche. Later I found out that my mom-in-law prayed for a year that God would send me friends, of a lifelong nature. God honored that prayer with amazing results. I'll be praying for you the same way. I know how hard it can be.

Heather said...

Reb--
((HUG)). I remember praying specifically for a friend when I first moved to Phoenix, after a long dry spell in North Carolina.
It was a prayer that God richly answered--I met my "Jonathan" not two weeks later.

I'm going to be praying that God brings you a "kindred" spirit as well...don't give up--you have an amazing amount to offer a relationship.

Love,
Heather

Rick Frueh said...

Rebekah - If you can only share what you completely perform and never allow the Spirit to lift us all up higher than we have gone than your blog would be nothing more than an earthly narrative.

But I have read some of your posts and poems and like me the Spirit has allowed you to be a Spiritual conduit that draws attention to the Savior and not you. Be encouraged, your words glorify Him not you which is the greatest privilege of all!

Rebekah said...

Thank you, all of you. Your kind words and prayers are so encouraging. Yesterday was a bit of a down day, but, thanks be to God for His grace which is sufficient for me!

And, Heather, thanks for your e-mail, too. Former college roommates, still long-distance friends. ((HUG)) to you, too!

Kate said...

Dear sister,
I can relate so well to what you shared this day...I did not read it like "whining". I have so often felt that way, even though I live in my hometown (after living abroad for 1 1/2 yrs). I have found no stay at home moms to befriend, no couple friends for my husband and I. I can really feel for you...I too have determined that perhaps it's my season to "be still" and quiet. I'll be praying for you...and stopping back soon!
Blessings dear one...

Jan said...

You are truly in a hard spot, surrounded by people who know how hard it is to say goodbye. . . people who would rather hold back than suffer that same crushing blow over and over again every three years (or less). I will say a prayer for you to find someone to spend time with and share God AND fun.

Also, (regarding your last post), my children attended Bible Study Fellowship with me when they were in preschool and their lessons were never, ever dumbed down. They memorized the real words from the Bible and learned the true stories. In fact, they learn the same lesson as the adults! I loved loved loved discussing the lessons with my 2-6 year old children and I can tell you they ARE capable of understanding. You may want to see if there is a BSF group in your area. It is also a good place to meet Godly friends!

I wish you all the best!

Love you blog!

Lisa Spence said...

So much of your post reflects so much of my personal journey. I am one of only a couple of stay at home moms in my church and w(eird like you I guess) I too like to talk doctrine! Living different is difficult and I tend to be something of a hermit, which only compounds the problem. All that to say, please know you are not alone and, as one who also feels like something of a hypocrite-blogger, I appreciate your honest words.